And unfortunately not the kind to go on trips.
I’m packing the ones under my eyes. I’m so tired, can’t even gather the strength to write about the things I want to. So please forgive me while I nod off and try to imagine myself in the most comfy bed I’ve ever slept in.
Hopefully tonight I will sleep. Good night folks.
Smartie
‘Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right.” – The Grateful Dead
Now isn’t that the truth!!
I know I keep going on and on about my trip to Europe, but kind readers, bare with me. I find that there is just so much to share with you!!
I already told you about my trip to the medieval abbey Le Mont Saint Michel in my previous post “A Princes, An Order and An Abbey” but I didn’t tell you about what I saw there.
Lightbulbs! An entire room of lightbulbs. You should have heard me yell with glee!
And then the next day, while walking around in the city of Rennes, I look into the window of a store, and I see this!!
I just had to go into the store. You should have seen all the lightbulbs hanging around.
I was in heaven…and I was cold. This is the store I got my cozy blue scarf that I’m wearing in my post “Mmm….”)
And these ones where in a dance store I went to check out for my daughter.
What is my obsession with lightbulbs? Let me explain it to you. What is the purpose of a lightbulb? The answer is easy: it’s to emanate light. And why do we have light? A number of different reasons: to light an area, lead the way, make the dark less scary. Mainly, to allow us to see.
So to me, lightbulbs are a reminder to always try to look at the bright side of life. Yes, I have that song now stuck in my head too….good ol’ Monty Python. Wether it be being in significant debt, having weeds growing in your driveway, losing your job, fighting with your loved one, going through a divorce etc, there is always a bright side to it.
So now, every time I see a lightbulb, and they’re EVERYWHERE I’ve noticed, I am reminded to do an internal check and see where I’m at.
Bet you that you’ll notice them everywhere too now! hehehe….if you come across any interesting ones, do share. I’ll post them on this blog to share with everyone.
Hope you’re having a great weekend!
“It ain’t burnt, Rosemary, it’s blackened.” ― Bunny Mathews
I have been thinking about my relationship with food lately. It’s a love/hate relationship. I love to bake, I hate to cook, and I love to eat. I have been told that I know how to cook, and I have also been told that I have no idea what I’m doing in the kitchen. I’m often made fun of with my cooking.
I know that can bake. I can make a serious Turtle pecan Cheesecake, and my other desserts can knock your socks off. I can read a baking recipe and tell you if it will turn out to be good or not, by looking at the ingredients and how it’s prepared. And now I have a cute apron to wear when I bake!
Cooking is a different story. Despite what some people say, I think I can cook – though some people may argue against my point. Looking back, I can see that when I first got married, I had a rocky road ahead of me. Prior to being married, I didn’t cook a day in my life, and then I was expected to cook gourmet meals – every day. And I was being constantly compared to my mother and mother-in-law. Not fair. Of course I would hate to cook. Who wouldn’t? And recently I realized just how much I dislike it. And it’s a strong dislike. I think I may do just about anything possible to not cook. There have been times when I’ve jokingly asked my daughter if she would like to make dinner, and her response would be “Mommy, I’m too little to cook.” Of course, she’s right, and there was a bit of truth to the question, but one can hope, no?
If I could, I would live off of Nutella sandwiches all day long – for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The fact that I have a dependant, and I care deeply for her nutritional needs prevents me from doing so. So I have no choice but to suck it up and move on.
But like I said, recently it hit me in the face how much I don’t like it, and being spoiled and served this yummy food all the time while on vacation doesn’t help the matter. I’d like to share some of the photos of the DELISH food I had recently:
I had never had French Onion Soup until my trip to Paris. The day I arrived, I had this one, and all the ones I had afterwards (one each day) none could come close to being this yummy. Restaurant La Ville De Abbesses is the place to go.
The same restaurant also served Creme Brule’ in the most interesting way, and this too was to die for.
One thing I found interesting in both Italy and France was the lack of veggies. I love my veggies. Yes, I’m strange, but I can’t help it. I found out later on that the veggies weren’t growing very well due to the very hot temperatures, but the fruit did well. Look at the gorgeous apricots!
Gelato. Creme glacee. Need I say more? Isn’t your mouth-watering yet?
I need a crepe pan. It’s not real cooking, more a dessert. I went to a crepe restaurant in Rennes – La Creperie Saint Georges. All the menu items contained George. I had the George Clooney, and he was delicious. It was a Rapini crepe with goats cheese and tomato, and cucumber sorbet. YUM!
Italy means pasta. Nothing beats pasta baked in the oven. My Mom’s cousin made this and it was lick your lips yummy.
In Rennes, the little Bed and Breakfast I stayed in was wonderful. Symphonie Des Sense was luxurious, and totally spoiled me. How could I possibly go back to making my own breakfast when I was brought this to my room at my arranged wake up time?
So back to making Nutella sandwiches I go. At least when I’m home alone. If only I could bring this back with me. Too bad there wasn’t enough room in my luggage. It would have made my life so much easier.
“Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, So in the locker, she wanted to stay.” ~ Brian Hyland
I think I wore my first bikini probably when I was four years old. I imagine that I had a big belly at that time, which most four year olds do, and I looked absolutely dashing! Sadly, that was probably the last time I wore one too.
I remember one time when I was about seven years old, and my friend’s aunt who was a seamstress made her a cute white bikini with red and orange stripes. I was jealous of her. The bikini was beautiful, she looked really good in it and I wanted one just like it. Her aunt then made one for too, and I looked awful in it. I was so embarassed that I swore to stick to one pieces from then on. And I did.
I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in this, but walking around in your intimates at the beach or pool (because really, what’s the difference between a bikini and undearwear besides material?) is nerve wrecking. It’s the worst thing in the world, right up there with public speaking for some. I hate it. Every time I walk out onto the beach in one (and pool too) I feel as if everyone stops what they’re doing and stares at me – and not for a good reason either.
So you can probably imagine the shock I experienced when I was stared up and down when going to the beaches in Amalfi and Pescara in Italy. The strange thing is – I wasn’t stared at because of how my body looks but because I was wearing a one piece bathing suit! No one wears a one piece bathing suit. And I mean no one. Everyone wears a bikini. Even the grannies who are ninety wear bikinis, revealing all their loose parts. The pregnant women, the obese women, the fruit shaped women (apple and pear) wear them as well. Everyone! And nobody cared about what other people thought. And they rocked, they wore them with confidence!
I also noticed that the figures we mostly see in magazines and tv were practically non-existant there. I managed to push aside the fact that I was wearing a one piece and for once in my life, I was able to enjoy walking around in my swimsuit. I didn’t feel the need to use a cover up. I went from the sea to the bar to the beach chair and even making a sand castle. I finally felt free to enjoy being in my own skin! I was totally comfortable – oh boy!
And then the unthinkable happened. I decided to buy two bikinis!! Not one, but two. And I said I bought them, I didn’t say I wore them. Actually, I didn’t wear them because I bought them on my last day at the beach, and also because I thought that I would look rather silly in it as I am tanned on my upper and lowere body and it would mean that my midrift would be snow white. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
So yesterday my daughter and I decided to go to the outdoor community pool. I reached for my one piece bathing suit and she immediately stopped me. She wanted me to wear my “cute” bikini with the polka dots on the inside. Boy was it ever hard to put that on. Not because it didn’t fit, but because the courage I had experienced in Italy drained out of me the minute I stepped onto that plane to come back home. I knew that at that point if I didn’t put it on, I never would. So I sucked it up and I put it on.
At the pool, when I walked out of the change room in my bikini I felt that everyone was staring at me. I talked myself out of running for the change room, and encouraged myself to believe that I don’t care what people think. I wasn’t there to impress anyone. I was there to enjoy myself. And I did enjoy myself. I didn’t know that being in a bikini is actually liberating. The water feels different against the skin, against your bare belly, than when you’re in a one piece.
Then nice things began happening. My daughter said to me that I look cute. A woman complimented me on my bikini and I noticed a few men staring at me. This helped me feel more comfortable in it because I don’t have a model’s figure. I know I’m soft in a few areas. I looked around and found that those “perfect” figures were non-existant here too. Was all the fear I felt about wearing a bikini driven by my mind and what I thought I needed to look like in order to wear one?
I’m so thankful for those ladies on the beach in Italy. Some may think it’s gross to see some of them in bikinis. I think it’s beautiful. They prove that no matter what, you have a right to be free. Society shouldn’t stop you from enjoying life. No one should dictate what you should or should not wear. If it wasn’t for them, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to wear a two piece. So girls, pull out you bikini and be free!! Love what your Mama gave you!
“Every girl pretends she is a princess at one point, no matter how little, her life is like that.” ~ Alex Flinn, Beastly
When I was a little girl, I sure did pretend that I was a princess. And then, while doing a professional search on my family’s last name, I found out that way, way back in time, the family name came from a line of Barons. How cool is that?!!! So naturally, the princess thing lasted a bit longer than normal. How many people can say that they come from a noble line?
While in Paris we decided to take a day trip to Normandy to visit Mont Saint Michel which at one point hosted a Benedictine abbey. To me, it looks like a gothic castle. It’s a beautiful castle, with big walls surrounding it, narrow walkways and lots of mysteries. My princess dream had awoken once again, and my imagination was running wild.
What has made Mont Saint Michel fascinating is its location and how this castle becomes separated from the mainland at high tide when the causeway is flooded by the sea, and essentially becomes an island. There are warnings everywhere which advise where to park because if you don’t abide by those rules, and depending how much of the tide has come in, you can kiss your car goodbye. The dudes who built this place knew what they were doing, and knew how to protect themselves. And of course, this also means that a princess would be protected 🙂
I was pulled into this place, into the mystery of it all. Not only was it an abbey, but the Order of Saint Michel was also located here. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m talking about Knights. You know, in shinning armour!!! They were the highest Order in France at one point, and all the knights met on a yearly basis here. You need knights around if there is going to be a princess, no? Imagine them sitting in the Knights Hall. Those are their crests hanging in from the ceiling.
To add to the energy of my visit, I found this place mysterous as well. There were many locked doors, and so I coulnd’t help myself but to begin peeking into key holes. To my amazement I found blocked stair ways, and hall ways. Where did they go? I wanted to know. I tried going down one flight of stairs, and made it to the bottom. It was really dark, and then I heard an eerie noise so I chickened out and ran back up the stairs as fast as I could.
There was also a beautiful courtyard, and I would imaging a princess running through the courtyard calling out to her knight. Important meetings would take place there. (I did tell you I was getting caught up in all of it, didn’t I?)
The trip was memorable. I only had one regret. The bus ride back to town left before the full tide could come in. I didn’t get to see the beautiful castle become an island. It would have been amazing to see the ground which I was walking on disappear under the sea water. There is only one thing that I can do about this. I guess it means that I just have to go back again, and continue the fairy tale…hehehe
Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t fallen off the face off the earth. It’s just that I’m in the Amalfi Coast in Italy and the apartment I’m staying at doesn’t have internet. I finally found a little bar that has wi-fi.
So much to share with you – the gorgeous beaches, the winding roads, the food and the driving experiences. Did I mention the food? Haha
Sorry, no pictures right now. I’m still trying to figure out how to upload them onto the blog from the iPad.
Will share more soon. Have to go and stroll onto the cobbled stone streets. Just finished my espresso.
Ciao! A presto!
“Invent your world. Surround yourself with people, color, sounds and work that nourish you.” – SARK
There is an entire secret society out there. I’m not talking the Templar Knights. They aren’t hiding some kind of scrolls or protecting a family linear. But what they do, it’s just as important. And it’s a sisterhood, not a brotherhood. Ok, so they aren’t a secret, but it was to me, because I just found out about them this past weekend.
Before I tell you about them, let me tell you about my lifetime search for them. You see, I think I’m different from other adults my age. Actually, I think I’m different from most adults, any age. I enjoy being a kid, being silly, and get excited over the most simplest things, just like a kid, and I try to keep my little girl inside of me happy. I remember when I was a kid and looking at the adults around me and thinking, “Wow, they look miserable, and they’re so serious! Don’t they have fun anymore?” And swore to myself that I would never be like that.
As I grew older, I noticed that the more I tried to maintain my attitude of being silly, the more people would distance from me. I began to tame myself in order to not upset others, and essentially keep my friends. Then about ten years ago, what I think is one of the most best movies I’ve ever saw was released on video – The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. One day I was home sick from work, couch ridden, and I watched it about six times. I absolutely loved the bond between the women, the confidence they had, and especially how they were so comfortable with having fun and being silly. I longed to be a part of something like that. This is what I wanted with my friends.
A few months ago I read a book, recommended by my therapist, called Succulent Wild Woman. This is a fabulous book which talks about what a Succulent Woman is all about. It’s a woman who knows what she wants, treats herself with care, and enjoys herself and life. She isn’t afraid of what others think. She is a woman who doesn’t dim down her lights for others, and is true to herself. She is fun to be around, and is full of energy. Hmm, and my therapist thought this was me? Well, I think it’s cool to be considered a Succulent Wild Woman. I love that label!
Now, it’s great to be thought of that way, and I’m beginning to actually see myself through that lens, but it’s kind of boring to be like this on my own. As I mentioned above, I long for that sisterhood, to be understood. Half of my friends from childhood pretty much walked out of my life when my father died, and the other half walked out when I separated from my ex, and really, I have to say that this would be overwhelming for them anyway. The two Succulent Women I know and blessed with their friendship now, are wonderful, but I’d like to see them more often.
So this past weekend I was invited out to dinner. Normally I would just throw on jeans and a nice top, but this time my daughter and I got all dolled up. I couldn’t decide between two beautiful dresses, and so my daughter encouraged me to wear a bright red sleeveless dress. I was so self-conscious and nervous. I was going to attract attention! (Note: I’ve never owned anything that wasn’t black, blue or brown). After a few minutes, I began enjoying the bright colour.
At the restaurant, to my amazement, I saw at a nearby table a group of the most beautiful women that I had ever seen. They were all wearing purple, and on their heads were the most reddest hats ever! I wanted to go up to their table and congratulate them on being Succulent Wild Women so many times, but my courage would just drain right out of me. I couldn’t stop staring. I couldn’t believe it, here, right in front of me, was a sisterhood that I longed to be a part of. Right in front of me! I had so many questions that I wanted to ask, and I was paralyzed by fear. And then, they were getting ready to leave, and my heart began sinking. Then, the unthinkable happened. The gorgeous person sitting next to me stops them and tells them that I think they’re great! OMG!!!
I felt like a babbling idiot, but they were gracious enough to entertain me. I found out that this sisterhood of theirs is worldwide. They belong to the Red Hat Society! It’s about empowering women to have fun, and support each other. Just what I wanted!
I’ve been on their website so many times since then. So I decided to take the leap. I’m now a Red Hatter. Well, technically, I get to wear a pink hat because of my age. Now to come up with my name….should I be Lady Lightbulb, or Princess Peculiar? Or something completely wild like… Duchess Smartie? I’m open to suggestions….really, I am.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” – Oscar Wilde
I wasn’t one of the ‘cool kids’ when I was in school. In elementary school, I was teased a lot. I’m sure we all must have gone through a period of teasing, but I had more than my fair share. I was overweight, and I was different from the other kids. I never felt that I truly fit in. I would day-dream a lot, use my imagination a lot ‘out in the open,’ and I spoke my mind, which set me apart from the rest. This also made it more difficult to belong.
In high school I became more aware of it, when my ‘friends’ who were cool, merged with the other ‘cool kids’ from other schools. I didn’t belong to any clique, and I was ok with it – on most days. I spoke with everyone, was nice to everyone. I like to think of myself as being like Switzerland – nice and neutral. Not everyone understood it, and therefore not everyone liked it, or me. And once again, this made it also difficult to belong.
So one day I decided to not be myself, and be like others so I could fit in. I found a group who appeared to be willing to accept me, and I did what it took to be a part of this so-called family. I dumbed myself down, started talking back, rebelled and started being mean to those who were like the real me. It didn’t feel right being that way, but hey, I was finally wanted! Of course, this had its consequences. I hurt people who I cared for, including myself, and I also got suspended. Luckily, the suspension wasn’t reflected on my school record, but my reputation with the school, and my family was tarnished. I had to deal with those consequences too.
I find that the pressures to fit in are affecting our kids at a younger age. My neighbour, who I think is an awesome kid, is being subjected to this pressure and she is in grade 6, and my daughter, who I see a lot of me when I was her age, is having a tough time fitting in with her school peers at grade 1. Why is that? What is causing this, and when does a parent intervene, and when does one stand back and let their kid sort it out on their own?
I find that on a regular basis I’m working with my daughter and brainstorming with her to come up with ideas to cope with her school peers. It’s so difficult to get the message out that it’s best to be true to yourself, and you it really doesn’t matter what others think. I find at times that I get so frustrated that she cares so much what others think of her, and then I have to remind myself that I, too, at the present time think the same way as well.
There is a bully which lives 5 houses away from us and has decided that she doesn’t like my daughter, and I have caught her a couple of times being downright mean to my daughter. The bully is 8 years older than my daughter. One day my daughter came home crying and saying that she yelled at her, told her that she is no longer able to play, and pushed her. This was after when I saw the bully teasing her and also making fun of her behind her back and covering it up when she saw that I saw. So I took this into my own hands and approached the bully in front of all her playmates and confronted her. This worked, for a while.
Last night my awesome neighbour kid was playing with bully from up the road. When the bully saw my daughter and I come outside with our bikes, she yells at the awesome neighbour kid to hide, because she doesn’t want my daughter to play with them. I decided that I wouldn’t let it get to me, although I was disappointed that the awesome kid followed along. The awesome kid and I used to talk all the time too. Anyway, every time we would ride by, they would go hide. My daughter was oblivious to all of this. Then at one point, when we rode around the block and came back, the bully didn’t see us, and the awesome kid was going to say hello, when the bully yelled not to. I had enough. I turned to her and said “don’t worry, my daughter and I are enjoying what we are doing. She doesn’t have time, nor wants to, play with you anyway. You don’t have to hide every time we ride by anymore.”
My daughter then chased me with her bike while I tried to run away, and then we lay for a while on the front lawn trying to make shapes out of the clouds passing by. I could see that the awesome kid wanted to join in, as she kept watching. She knew that I would welcome her, as I always have. But she never did.
My daughter would periodically ask why I said what I did, and why the two girls would hide all the time. It’s hard for a 6 year old to understand. I’m trying my best but it’s hard to put it into such simple terms. I just feel so sad that at such a young age, these kids are having to go through this.
I’m hoping to be able to speak to the awesome kid alone, and let her know that it’s best to be true to herself, and not have to follow along with other people in order to be liked. If she does, she may just forget who she really is, and wake up one day and ask, who am I?
“For disappearing acts, it’s hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.” ~Doug Larson
My big trip to Europe is quickly approaching. It’s only three weeks away! In my mind I know what I need to pack, but I have to transfer this over to paper, that way when it does come time to pack I’m not scrambling to remember. I can’t believe how quickly it’s coming. It feels as if just yesterday I was boarding the plane to Florida.
And then I realised that it’s already two weeks since I’ve been home. That was a real shocker to me. Where did THAT time go?
Why is it that when you are not working, whether it be that you’re on vacation, have some time off etc, that you’re more busy than when you’re at work? I still wake up at the same time every morning. It’s not like I don’t want to sleep in, because I certainly do because I LOVE to sleep, and when I go to bed, I’m asleep before my head hits the pillow. I’m exhausted all the time. But seriously, why is it that way?
I often wonder how did I do it when I was working? Get all this done, plus commute to and from work, and put in a full day? I guess you just become busy with different things that normally you wouldn’t be busy with. Take yesterday for example: Woke up, blogged, took care of business stuff, I dropped off my daughter at school, ran to the store to get something, then met up with a dear friend to discuss some business stuff, then off to my old employer to submit my last expense bill, go to another store to return stuff, pick up my daughter, rush her to her dance rehearsal, rush home and make dinner, and then meet up with the real estate agent and my ex, and then take care of other business stuff. My day started at 6am and ended at 11:30pm. No wonder I was tired!!
Every day isn’t exactly like that, but it’s pretty damn close. So, how do I make it easier? What needs to change? DO I need to look into better time management options, or maybe just clone myself? I wish there were things I could just decide not do, but these are all necessities, but it’s not possible. Especially now that I’m a single mom.
Oh wow, look at the time. Enough rambling, I must go! There are tonnes of things to be done today! hahahaha.
Have a great day everyone!
Smartie
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle
Where are you right now? Me? Right now, I’m in my pj’s, sitting in my computer room. I just finished my bowl of cereal, I’m sipping on my coffee and trying to get my brain to wake up. For some reason, writing helps it wake up properly. Otherwise it takes hours.
So, I’ve just told you where I am physically. Now mentally, I could be anywhere. Most times, my mind is hours, days or even weeks ahead of the present moment (and sadly, even years at times). Where are you mentally? Of course, you’re reading this post, so you would think that you were here. But are you really? Or are you just reading the words, and thinking what you need to get done at work, or what to make for dinner, or even, what you’re planning to do for the weekend?
It’s so easy to get ahead of ourselves. Most times, when we do, it’s because we worry and are anxious. We need to learn how to center ourselves, be grounded in the present moment. It’s unrealistic to say we shouldn’t think of the future, because we need to. We should plan for our future. But when you start worrying about possible outcomes, when you know that they may not take place that way, that’s when you get yourself into trouble – when you begin to fret, when you aren’t able to function normally and you are so anxious that you become to be in a permanent state of “basket case-ness.”
So what do you do in times like this? There are lots which you can do. I’ll share with you some of the things that I have learned, some from the many psychology books I’ve read, and what has been shared by close friends and my therapist.
One option is to write things down from the heart. Really write down what you are feeling. Not in point form or anything, but in full complete sentences as if you are having a conversation with someone. Many times when we are worrying about the future we are ashamed to tell anyone for fear of judgement, so we internalize it. That leads to a whole mess of things, so by writing it down it allows you to acknowledge it, let it go, and then you feel lighter. Here is an example of what I wrote once:
“I feel like sh*t. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. All I want to do is cry. I have so much to do in the next week that I don’t know when I’m going to get two minutes to just breathe. I have to do ‘this,’ and then from there I have to go ‘here’ and see ‘this person.’ I wonder what they will say? I just know that they’re going to tear my head off. Oh and because of that, our relationship will never be the same. They won’t like me anymore, and that means I’ve just blown my chances with ever getting somewhere. I just know that they hate me and think I’m an idiot. Why do I even bother. And how am I going to get through the week? I’m so exhausted just thinking about it. And on Saturday I have so many people coming over, how am I going to prepare all that food when I’m booked down to the minute? Maybe I should cancel, but I can’t, people are coming from far and have held the date for so long.”
As you can see, my mind was so far ahead, and I was so scattered. Just by writing it down, it allowed me to release the fear. Another technique is to repeat “Right now, I am ….” or “At this moment, I am …..” Basically, what you are doing is bringing yourself back into the present, to what you are currently doing. This really works well, especially if you don’t have the ability to write anything down. Many times I find myself skipping ahead, and I say “Smartie, right now you are washing the dishes” or “At this moment, you are driving.” The mind always seems to drift when I’m doing something which doesn’t require much thought.
And lastly, when I try to rein in my mind, and I have trouble doing so, I do the technique which my therapist taught me. She has me use three of my senses: sight, sound and feel. You would start off by listening to five things around you, the see five things around you and then feel five things around you. So right now, five things I hear are: 1. the punching of the keys to my laptop 2. the airplanes outside 3. my breath 4. the hum of my laptop 5. the car door being slammed. Five things I see are: 1. my laptop 2. the blinking light to my Blackberry 3. The sunlight shinning on the wall 4. my computer screen 5. my fingers moving as I type. Five things I feel are: 1. my fingers on the keys 2. the floor under my bare feet 3. the chair supporting my lower back 4. my hair tickling my face 5. my breath on my lip. And so you would repeat this again, but this time naming four items and then three and then two and so on until you reach one. It’s ok to repeat items as well. Once you get to one you’ll feel so grounded and in the present moment. It’s so calming. I even find that I use this technique when I’m having trouble sleeping, as most times I’m usually thinking of something.
So, now after reading this, I’m going to ask you again. Where are you right now? Me? Right now, I am HERE.