We’re waiting for our train to arrive in Ourense station. We’ve completed 311 kilometers of our Camino from Leon to Santiago De Compostela. Our plans changed last minute, as we were going to walk an additional 100 klms to Finesterre, the famous and beautiful beach just west of Santiago where many pilgrims go to relax.
One lesson I learned from the Camino is to pay attention to what my body is telling me. I had a strong habit of overriding the signals it pleads me to listen to and go ahead with what my mind tells me, when the majority of the times it isn’t good for me. I would continue to walk when I shouldn’t have.
As a result I paid the price during my Camino. I insisted on walking as close to 30 klms (and sometimes more) a day, that way we can get to Santiago as early as possible. My feet screamed with pain and my body was exhausted. I still pushed through regardless, ignoring the pleas.
Then I found myself stuck on a 1350 meter high mountain crying my eyes out with 13 blisters and nowhere to go. It was 10 klms of rocks in all directions to a roadway. I didn’t know what to do – either die out there in the woods or crawl down because my feet just would support me. Walking barefoot was out of the question.
Thankfully two angels disguised as older Sicilian men came to my rescue. They spent over half an hour patching my feet up, giving me proper socks and fixing up my boots in order for me to make it to the next town, that way I could get proper footwear.
I would like to think that I had learned my lesson by that point but I hadn’t. I still insisted on pushing my body far beyond what I should have. It wasn’t until my Hubby got injured that I finally learned many things.
We were on our way to Montan when we started to feel tired and drained. We stopped for a while for him to rest. The muscle along his shoulder blade began hurting more than usual and he wasn’t able to carry his backpack, yet he insisted on doing so. I finally convinced him to change backpacks with me. I was surprised at how heavy it was, but I carried it anyway for the rest of the way to the town.
It was then I realised how we weren’t honouring our bodies. I pushed to make sure we met our goals regardless of how I was feeling, and he refused to part with things in his pack to make it lighter.
We made a promise to each other that we would not continue doing what we had been doing up to that point. We shipped our tent back home, we gave away my hiking boots and I donated other things I had that we could live without. If we needed something, we would find a way to get it.
When we approached Santiago, I could see the city in the distance. Every step I took, I felt more exhaustion, more pain and more frustration. I just wanted to get there but it felt like I wasn’t moving. The walk to the Basilica seemed like it took forever. Once we arrived, it took all the energy reserved to just high five each other.
Then we went to our aubergue.
And I cried. And cried. And cried.
I cried because every ounce of my body hurt. I hurt in places I didn’t know I could hurt. I cried because I was beyond exhaustion. I cried because I know I mistreated my body and yet it still cared for me and carried me regardless.
And I cried because I had successfully completed one of the most difficult and amazing things I had ever done in my life (outside of giving birth).
And so, after a few days in Santiago, we decided to forgo Finesterre and make our way to Ourense, which is a not so well known place that has natural Roman Thermal Baths. We decided to celebrate and honour our bodies, as they allowed us to do the most amazing thing – hike through northern Spain and endure the not so nice treatment from us. It was our way to say thank you and help them heal.
We spent a couple of days floating in these outdoor natural mineral pools. As I would step into the pool I could feel the tingles of the minerals healing the aching and wounded areas of my body. I could feel my body say thank you as I would float around, and how it would just sigh as I’d switch between the different temperatures pools.
The Camino really does have a way to bring to your attention that which requires listening to. I’m grateful that we were willing to listen and able to hear what was being said to us. This newfound appreciation for my body is something that I will carry within my heart for my lifetime.
I don’t know how to answer this question. And I’ve heard it asked many times by different people, and I hear the same words over and over….I don’t know.
I’ve attempted to answer this question myself. I can’t either.
You see, The Camino isn’t a trek across northern Spain. It isn’t about the magnificent changing scenery. It isn’t about the fabulous people you meet along the way, and it isn’t about the challenges and growth you experience. It is all of the above, and it isn’t either.
The Camino is magical, it is fascinating, it is exciting. It is also something that changes you, humbles you and grounds you. It is a force that moves you deep within.
I want to tell you so much of what has been taking place, I want to share with you all that has happened over these days, it is so hard to choose which stories from all that I have.
So please bare with me until I get time to write more.
It is the middle of the night of day three and I’m waiting for the Melatonin to kick in. I’ve had broken sleep until now because the muscle pain in my legs keep waking me up. There seems no better time to capture my thoughts and experiences than now.
We’ve walked 80 kilometers in three days, and the last 25.8 kilometers was all uphill – roughly 1000 meters high. It wasn’t a paved park path either. In a day, we walk through so many different environments, changing from practically minute to minute. We would find ourselves walking on roadway, and then on gravel, through a town, then what seems like a sandstorm, the woods, through places that reminded me of a jungle and then kilometers of this – stones, rocks and big chunks of edges.
There is a lot of time to think, because talking I find expends a lot of energy, of which is a precious thing to me at the moment. Almost all peregrinos we’ve met so far have started from the beginning in St. Jean and they say that walking gets easier. The first three days are the hardest. You are challenged mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I agree with them one hundred percent! My feet are proof of this. Three days, and eight blisters, don’t stop you from walking and to continue means you are definitely being challenged.
I never thought that I would be able to walk 80 kilometers in three days. When we were training back home, walking 30 kilometers was difficult enough and I would be totally exhausted by the end of it, and to do this day after day is something else entirely!
Everyone has a reason for walking the Camino. Even those who say they have no reason but to just walk it, one gets revealed to them eventually. As I said before, there is a lot of time to think, and this is what I find is happening to me – reasons are being revealed to me. And I’m finding it liberating because with each step take, I feel myself cracking open, feeling things that I’ve never felt before but also discarding things that no longer serve me but have been hanging around like a bad smell.
I brought with me some stones which represent people that I love and which I intend to place on the trail along the way. There are so many stones placed strategically along the way, some with messages on them, and you know that these all represent a loved one to someone. And to know this is so moving! We passed this special location below which just moved me to tears, and it became a resting spot for a couple of my loved ones. I find that I’m crying a lot, but that is no surprise.
There are stretches of the walk where it has been just Hubby and I and we wonder where everyone is, and then at times you tend to see the same people over and over again. The people you meet while walking are so lovely, and with some you just make a certain type of connection.
We walked through these open fields for about eight kilometers without another person in sight. We came across a booth of food and drink for free, a haven for pilgrims being offered by such a generous soul. There was no home, but you could see that someone lived there. When the man was questioned if he lives there alone, his response was “I live here, but I’m never alone. I have God with me all the time. I have nature and the universe with me.” How amazing! One of the pilgrims was moved so much by all of this that he spent the night there. He crossed my mind a few times today as I wondered if he was OK, what he experienced etc. We did cross paths again today, he told me about it all. He said that he felt that this was the place he needed to be in order to be filled up with God’s energy and now he feels that he can pass it onto others. It was a very spiritual place indeed. You could just feel it! And this is the man providing it, and the little boy from my previous post is in the picture too!
We have also experienced some synchronicity too. While we were climbing today, suddenly an overwhelming feeling of hunger swept through us (I still can’t believe how hungry I am – I imagine that this is what a teenage boy feels like) and we decided to sit on the side of the path. We didn’t want to walk back a few meters to an opening. As we are eating, hubby sees a big stone with writing in front of him, and he nearly fell over when he read it! You see, Hubby wrote a book called Energizing Love. It was picked up by a publisher in the UK and it is being launched in September. So to see this out of the blue is very special and meaningful to us.
And of course, it hasn’t always been quiet, contemplative and serious. We did take part in the Roman festival yesterday in Astorga. Astorga was invaded by the Greeks, Romans and others, but was never conquered and so they have this festival every year to celebrate. How fun it was walking around town with people dressed up in all different costumes!
We are officially Peregrinos. We started our Camino today, well this afternoon at around 2:30 and wasn’t another pilgrim in sight. We were walking in the right direction, we followed the arrows and sea shells that lead the way, but we seemed alone. I couldn’t figure out why.
But as we walked on, I started to figure out why. The sun was scorching down on us. I would take advantage of any bit of shade I could find. It was friggin hot. The kind that could easily make you dizzy.
We started our journey in the afternoon because we had quite the adventure arriving to Leon yesterday. After the two hour delay at Pearson, we had to wait two and a half hours to get through customs in Barcelona. From there, what we thought would be a 4 hour drive to Leon, actually turned out to be almost 8. That didn’t bring us into the city until 10:30pm.
Our couch surfing hosts were awesome and seemed to take things in stride. They actually felt like old friends. They cooked dinner for us, and afterwards, at 12:30am we went out into town. I don’t remember the last time I did that.
Needless to say, with getting in at 2am, we slept in, which meant it took time to get ready. But we did it. We walked through Leon, through a few other towns and saw the most amazing things. And now we’re in the town of Villadangos del Paramo.
As we checked our boots by the front door, I saw these tiny ones and wondered if there was a kid, or if the owner had really small feet. But as I walked to the beds, there he was, dead to the world asleep. I found out that he is six years old, has been walking since France and walks between 33-38 klms a day!
We’re sitting in the front courtyard of the Auberge waiting for the fiesta to begin. I doubt we’ll see much because one thing I’ve noticed is that the Spaniards like to do things late at night and don’t actually go out until after 10pm.
Tomorrow morning is an early start and so I will have to get to bed, in a room with 30 other people, and I get the top bunk!
As I begin to write this post we are somewhere over the Atlantic. I’m not exactly sure where, but we’re getting close, probably and hour or two to landing.
I’m anxious about our walk. I have no problem admitting it. It is the most craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Walking 400+ kilometers with a backpack across northern Spain. Why did I agree to this again? I used to be the type of person who when I would travel would have plan A, B and C in place in case anything were to happen and I’d have everything with me packed in the event I would have to action them. And now my pack contains 3 underwear, 2 sports bras, 3 socks, 2 shorts, 2 t-shirts and whatever I’m wearing now and limited toiletries. Uh, helloooo? Can you see why I’m sort of, big time anxious?
I guess you could say that my travels this year have prepared me for this trip because I have learned to scale back (not through choice) – not having our luggage for 4 days during our honeymoon courtesy of United Airlines, packing for the wrong weather in Australia and for this trip, cutting available space in the backpack in half because we are planning to tent for a portion of the trip.
I’m sure things will be OK. There will be plenary of people there, and it isn’t like I’m going to a third world country with no infrastructure. Besides, I will have this gorgeous guy by my side the entire time.
And it’s about letting go, right?
Well, because of that I’m finding that I’m a bit emotional. I’m wondering how my daughter is doing on her flight to Portugal, if she has slept, if she is OK. I’m also missing my mom and sister a lot. Most of all, I’m missing my dad. I dreamt of him while I slept on the plane and I feel that he is with me. It’s a strong feeling, probably the strongest I’ve felt from when he died almost five years ago. These are the people I will be taking on my walk with me, along with Hubby’s family. They will be in my heart the entire time.
I just looked out the window and see that the sun has risen. What a beautiful sight. According to my watch it would be almost 9am in Spain and we would be well into our walk for the day. It looks warm and cozy out there – a big contrast to the very cold cabin we are in.
I’ve brought my boots with me onto the plane as there was no room in my pack for them. I just put them on to warm my tootsies, and it is the first time I’ve donned them on in over three weeks. What a surprising homecoming feeling! I feel so grounded! Who would have thunk?
I really should get some more sleep but I feel fully awake. Hubby is sleeping which is good. He struggled with the time change between Australia and Toronto, so I’m really glad he’s sleeping. This trip was the easiest for me to adapt back to Toronto time. I hope my body cooperates with me now in Spain. We must be getting close to arrival – I can smell the coffee coming from the back of the plane! Time to catch more z’s!!! But now I see land!!!!! Yay!!!! How could I possibly sleep now?
“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” ― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky
We arrived back in Toronto less than 48 hours ago after three weeks in sunny Australia. And in an hour and a half we will be making our way back to the airport to head out to Spain to begin our 400+ kilometer trek across northern Spain. Some have asked why did we even bother to come home, but I’m glad we did. The short time put a lot of pressure on us to really focus on what needed to get done and we spent a lot of quality time with my Mom and Sister. I really enjoyed it.
Our trip to Australia was good. Before leaving I had a feeling that things weren’t going to go as planned, and with life, that usually happens. Overall it was a great trip but it had its challenges – from faulty aircraft entertainment units, adjustments to travel plans for family, little internet connection and even not up to par accommodation. It was challenging, I won’t deny that. In the heat of the moment I found it difficult to deal with, but what I can see now is that it played a purpose to teach me things. My initial reaction was to play the victim and have a poor me attitude, but these events weren’t about me. Things went wrong, people had to look after themselves, I had to adjust. And I had to let go and let be. Isn’t that what we should be doing most of the time anyway? I promised myself that despite what happens, I will have a good time.
The purpose of our trip though, was to see my husband’s daughter, who happens to be an extremely beautiful and talented actress, perform her opening show for Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet at the Sydney Opera House. What an honour to be able to witness and be a part of this. Wow is all that I can say!!!
Hubby with daughter
We spent most of our time in Queensland, specifically in the Gold Coast, minutes from Surfers Paradise, and up in Hervey Bay, and of course in Sydney. I already thought that Australia was beautiful, and now I’m even more convinced. We played tourist for more of the trip, doing a lot of touristy things such as daily walks on the beach, body surfing, visiting amusement parks and meeting up with friends I haven’t seen in years and just took it easy. It was a busy yet relaxing vacation where we were on the go a lot. Oh and the sunsets were to die for.
But now a new adventure is going to begin, one that is entirely different. I hope to write more.
I had a dream last night. I don’t remember much of it. But one thing that has clearly stuck to my conscious mind is the message (which I can still hear being said with a big, deep voice): Yooooou neeeeeeed to coooonnnnnect with yourrrrrr creeeeaaaativity agaaaaain.
Yeah, yeah….I’m not surprised. I’ve been missing writing, drawing, dancing and singing (don’t tell my hubby the last part!).
I’ve just been busy.
This year, 2015, has brought many new things into my life. I’ve traveled to the Caribbean and Australia, my hubby was picked up by a British publisher for his book, I’ve been in school, opened up a holistic practice (Cheney Holistic) and now a Solution-Focused Coaching practice (Teal Tiger).
Through all of this, I’ve felt myself being stretched in so many ways. I’ve been happy with the growth, wisdom and knowledge I’ve gained. My relationships with the special people in my life have improved and I can honestly say that life is good.
It hasn’t been all rosy, trust me. I’ve done a lot of ‘inner work’ which forced me to uncover a lot of stuff that I didn’t want to. I’ve taken a two week home retreat in which I dedicated my 9-5 hours to contemplation and self-discovery. That was so hard. I found out about a bunch of belief systems I was carrying around which I realized that they weren’t mine, but were adopted from others. I learned about what I like and don’t like, and most of all, I was able to make peace with parts of myself that wanted to be heard.
A lot of my growth came especially during my intense studies in Solution-Focused Coaching. There were many times in class where I felt I was struck by an eighteen wheeler truck as I learned about behaviors, beliefs, values and vision. My passion for this just kept growing and growing. I can honestly say that I’ve found my calling in life, and I look forward to helping others live their life to their fullest.
As busy as the first half of 2015 has been, my journey is just beginning. The next three months will be a different sort of journey; one that requires me to leave the comforts of my home, my city, my friends, and some of the time my family as well, for an extensive period of time. We will be visiting Australia again and from there we will be going to Spain to do a 400+ kilometer pilgrimage known as the Camino de Santiago plus other travels.
Many people have asked that we post pictures of our trips onto Facebook. I honestly didn’t want to post anything, and wanted to stay screens free during this time period and disconnected. I’ve really been trying to minimize my interactions with social media and really, media in general. I am planning to write in my journal during this time, and my husband is planning to take pictures so we’ve decided to combine the two together. This way, you can join our journey with us.
And so, our journey began today with our last long walk on our favorite path. We’ve walked this path for months and have logged at least about 300 kilometers on it as we trained for the Camino. We’ve encountered many friendly (and curious) people along the way, and have seen such beautiful wildlife (deer, rabbits, beautiful birds, beavers, snakes) – all within minutes of our front door. I will miss this path during the next few months, and look forward to seeing it again in the fall.
If you’re wanting to hear more of our journey, please subscribe to this blog.
I’m a sun worshiper. Not the type that lies on the beach all day long, but the type that simply loves the sun shining. It can be the most bitterly cold day, or everything possible could be going wrong, but as long as the sun is shining, I’m OK and all is well.
As I sit here writing this post it’s snowing outside. It’s cloudy, dreary and cold. But not that cold that cuts right through out, but that damp cold that gets into your bones. It makes sense though because it needs to be that cold for the snow to fall.
Look at how miserable it is out there
I can’t help but remember that just over a week and a half ago; my hubby and I were in the beautiful Caribbean on a splendid ship celebrating our honeymoon. The sun shined every day; it was hot, and just glorious – my kind of weather. I must admit that when we decided to book our honeymoon for mid-January I was worried that I would have a difficult time and be depressed once I got back as the last time I went away at this time of year, it felt like the winter just dragged on forever. This time it’s different. Maybe it’s because of the company I traveled with, maybe it’s because I’m not locked up in an office building anymore, or maybe it’s because I can freely enjoy the sunshine as I please. I think it’s one and three. I’m grateful to be home with my hubby, to be able to open all the window coverings during the day, and to be able to go outside and soak in the sun when I please.
But my mind does keep going back to our trip. The islands we visited, the activities we participated in, the events which took place, and specifically the people we met.
We had a blast even though our honeymoon didn’t exactly start off on the right note. Thankfully hubby asked me to check to see that I had my passport shortly after we departed our home. Needless to say, I didn’t have mine. And while we were at the airport we had issues checking in. The flight from Toronto to Houston wasn’t ideal – it was freezing and our seats didn’t recline. It had to have been one of the worst I had ever been on (and I’ve been on many, many flights). And once we arrived at Houston Airport, I swear it felt like we were taking part in the Amazing Race. We had exactly 10 minutes to get from Terminal A to Terminal E to avoid missing our connection. We ran down the terminals with our gear on our back, barely made the inter-airport train. We arrived at the gate huffing and puffing. Luckily we didn’t miss the flight.
We took the red-eye from Toronto to Houston, and our connection took us from Houston to San Juan. Our intention was to sleep on the planes – if only that would have happened. I should have known better because I don’t sleep very well if I’m not in my bed. What was I thinking? And so we landed in San Juan at 6 am. He slept, I didn’t. How lovely.
As we made our way to the baggage claim area, hubby turns to me and says “I wonder if our luggage made it?” Sh*t! We barely made it to the flight, so how the heck could our luggage? As soon as we get to the baggage area I scan to see where I can file a report for lost luggage, and he’s trying to convince me to wait and see as it may have arrived after all. I love my hubby, I really do. And I love that he’s such an optimist. And because we both insisted on our points of view, we both waited – he near the carousel belt, and me in line at the lost luggage reporting area. Once the belt stopped and our luggage was nowhere in sight, he decided to join me.
So here we were, in beautiful San Juan sans luggage and hubby is chirpy and happy and I’m crusty and sleep deprived. We have only the clothes on our backs, our backpack and purse and I want nothing more than to put on flip flops.
Crusty me.
The only saving grace was that we were told that there was another flight due to arrive in San Juan from Houston that afternoon, and that our luggage will likely be on it, but we were told to call “just in case.” We made our own way downtown, which is also the pier, and I was starting to relax. The sun, the beauty everywhere, was taking effect. We spotted a public pay phone and we decided to call the airline before hitting the sights. As I’m trying to work my way through the teleprompters, I hear:
“Excuse me, do you need some help?” in a male voice with an accent.
I give hubby a gesture that tells him to deal with it. As I’m trying to talk to the airline employee I’m also trying to hear the discussion between hubby and the stranger. I’m failing miserably at both because the payphone keeps crackling and the person on the other end can’t hear me, and I can’t figure out what hubby and stranger are talking about. So I hang up the phone.
I turn to the stranger and say “No thank you, we don’t need any help.”
He says “But it looks like you do. I can help you. See, I work for Air Canada (he points to a badge). What airline did you fly in on?”
I’m thinking to myself ‘oh boy, I bet he says this to everyone, so I respond “United” which was true.
His face beams “Great, because they’re Star Alliance, which means I can help you. Listen, my office is right there. You can use my phone, my internet, relax and even use the washroom if you need to.” And then he goes on and on about the different places to visit, what time to check in for the cruise, etc.
I’m from the big city. I was brought up in a time where you locked your front door even when you were home. You don’t talk to strangers. You question people’s motives. I do need to tell you that I try not to live by that, I do believe there is good in everyone, but at that moment I was tired, crusty, in a foreign city with no luggage and I just wanted my flip flops. I turn to hubby for some direction and the look in his eyes told me everything: ‘Smartie, nothing is going to happen to you. I’m here to protect you. It’s OK to go along with this guy. He won’t harm you.’ Oh how I love this man.
And so we did. And I’m glad we did.
Leo (his name) ended up being an angel sent to help us. As we walked to his office everyone on the road said hi to him: ladies walking with their children, shop keepers, police – everyone. And as we walked my anxiety melted away. He was good to every word he spoke to us and more. It took us over an hour to deal with United and all the while we were in his office. We never did get our luggage that day and thanks to Leo, not only did we get to see the sights in San Juan, rest in his office, we also were directed where to buy clothes and toiletries at a reasonable price, we were able to check onto the cruise earlier. If it weren’t for Leo we’d be wearing the same clothes for four days (yes, that’s how long it took for us to get our luggage).
Our cruise ship!
We were so moved by this man who was motivated in helping people just because that’s what he does. He didn’t want anything from us, but for us to have a good time in San Juan. Throughout the trip we kept thinking about him, telling people about this angel in an Air Canada hat. We ended up having a fantastic time and he was a big part of it.
And so when our cruise ported back in beautiful San Juan, I was sad that our trip was over, and I was reminded of Leo. Suddenly we heard “Hey! Did you get your luggage that day?” Hubby and I looked at each other with smiles from ear to ear. We turned around and there he was! LEO!!!!
He was at it again, trying to help us. He was trying to organize our transfers to the airport, and when he found out that we had half a day in San Juan, he grabbed my luggage and started walking. We followed him to the tourist office. He insisted that we enjoy the local festival and not to worry as our belongings would be safe. He gave us a curfew and when it was time to go to the airport he came with us, ensured we checked in safely and walked us to our gate. He even tried to see if he could get us on a direct flight home!
I began writing this post before leaving for our honeymoon. The one I was writing before had obviously had different content, but essential the meaning of the two are very much the same. They both have to do with the book “To Kill A Mockingbird.”
I read this book in high school and it stayed with me since. I love that book and meeting Leo just emphasized one of the key learning of the book. And no, he didn’t kill a mockingbird, which is never actually done in the book, but rather that you aren’t to kill one.
In the book Scout is told by her father Atticus that it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird and the reason is that mockingbirds simply exist to provide pleasure with their song. They do nothing but sing their hearts out for everyone to hear. And to kill a mockingbird is to kill that which is innocent and harmless.
And I was prepared to kill one (figuratively, not literally). You see, in San Juan I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I couldn’t see beyond my nose. I was so set on trying to find out what Leo was up to, what he wanted from us, what his next move was and because of my hubby’s optimism, his outlook on life and mankind and his love for me and my love and trust in him, I was capable of handing over my skepticism and surrendering to the situation. And because of this, I was able to receive what was being gifted to me at that very moment.
Leo ended up being that mockingbird for me. In the short period that he entered my life I noticed that all he wanted was to ensure that hubby and I were blessed with his song. I was also reminded of the final words in the book, when Scout tells Atticus about misunderstandings off Boo Radley, and how he hadn’t done anything of the things she thought he did, that he was “real nice.”
Atticus’ response to that was “most people are, Scout, when you finally see them.” And when I finally was able to see Leo I could see just how ‘real nice’ he just is.
I’m also amazed in the synchronicity of it all. I didn’t feel comfortable in publishing the first post. It just didn’t feel right and I knew I just had to wait, that something else was to come along to write about. Never in a million years did I think this was going to happen and that we would have a beautiful angel/mockingbird in San Juan named Leo.
Oh, by the way, yesterday we received a beautiful email from Leo. He wanted to know if we arrived home safely. Our hearts were touched once again by our angel in San Juan.
To answer the question – it’s because it marched to a different drumstick!!
And on that same day when it decided not to cross it sat down on the side of the road and decided to stare off into the unknown distance. She just stared and stared and stared and then something happened. A sudden realization came over her. She wondered if the chickens before her who crossed the road really knew what they were doing, or if they did it because that’s what was always done. And she came to know that despite what everyone told her, the grass was not greener on the other side. But she wasn’t happy with the grass where she lay either.
And so she walked along the side of the road, not knowing where it would lead her but trusting that it would be to a better place.
“Your comfort zone is what keeps you back from making, creating and innovating.”
~ Greta Tomlin
Yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, I decided to share with you all my new ritual – reflecting on my accomplishments, my letting go and what I want to bring into the New Year.
One of the things on my list for this brand New Year is to write more, and that’s what I’m doing. Over the last few (many) months I’ve received emails from you, my readers, asking if everything is ok, why I haven’t been writing and so on. I’m very touched by your care and I have let you know in some way or another that yes, I am ok, but…
I just didn’t have anything to write about. I lost my mojo.
You see, something happened in the last year and half, but I don’t know what. Whatever happened squashed my connection to my creativity. I could not even form a paragraph, could not write a poem. I had absolutely no desire to string a sentence together. And when I did want to say something, I couldn’tstring a sentence together. When my domain name renewal came up I even contemplated putting this blog to rest and letting it expire. However something inside of me told me that it wasn’t time and I paid the renewal fee and hung onto it, keeping it dormant but alive. Yet, I still couldn’t or wouldn’t write.
This was quite troubling for me, especially since the few years before that were quite the ride. I always managed to find my way, remain optimistic and look for the silver lining in things. I have always been and still am a firm believer that there is some good that comes out of even the most difficult of times. I had my creativity to fall back on, to help me sort through things, gather my thoughts, help me to remain focused – but not this time.
A couple of weeks ago when I sat down to write about my reflections on 2014 (and discovered how much I achieved) and what I want to manifest in 2015 something shifted in me. I was even inspired to write a poem, something I haven’t done in years! What this also did was light the fire inside of me to write, to be curious about things, to yearn for those lightbulb moments again.
So what happened?
And so, in my typical Smartie fashion, I went into my ethereal closet and grabbed my shovel and flashlight and begun to dig inside of me and shine the flashlight in the dark places.
And boy was I surprised by what I found out!
What I found out quite sucked to find out. It wasn’t true that I had nothing to say. I HAD and HAVE a lot to say. But I felt like I was muzzled! And the worst of it, it was ME that was doing the muzzling.
What the heck?
I was AFRAID to say what I wanted to say. I was fearful of the repercussions to what I wanted to say. And so I didn’t say what I wanted to say.
What a friggin awakening this was for me!
My friends, a couple of weeks back when I did my lists, one of the items I resolved to do is to revive Smartie Knows in 2015. As today is the first day of 2015, I’m doing just that.
This space is once again a sacred space for me that I share with you. Through this coming year, I will share with you not only what I discovered, but also my accomplishments, my trials (not legal I hope), my thoughts (air-head sometimes), my deepest desires, my tear jerking times, my over-the-moon moments, my dark nights of the soul, my curiosity and most of all, my lightbulb moments.
P.S. If you’re wondering why I’m in suspenders (which I make no reference to in this post besides the title), I just want to keep you in anticipation for what’s to come 🙂 So stay in suspenders for my next post.
Oh, here’s a question! Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
