Month: September 2012

You Ok Down There?

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Living, Love, Meaning, Understanding

“Most important thing in life is learning how to fall.” – Jeannette Walls

I was pushed to the floor and beaten down to a pulp the other day. I was knocked down to my knees, and I felt like I was kicked in the stomach a million times.  I was left breathless. I was beaten down so badly that I was making involuntary noises as I was trying to breathe.  Tears escaped my eyes as I tried desperately to hold them back.  They trickled slowly to the sides of face, as I tried to hide them with my hair. No way was I going to show the other person how what they were doing was affecting me.  I wasn’t about to give in.  I fell into a hole and just lay there hoping that I couldn’t be seen.

I wasn’t physically beaten, even though it felt that way.  But my ego took a beating, and it deserved it.  I was laying on the ground, gasping for air and surprisingly it felt good.

Let me back up a bit and explain WHY I deserved this beating. I have been going through a lot of crap, and I think I have every right to b*tch and complain about it.  These last two years of my life have been absolute hell and quite frankly, I think I’m entitled to let off a bit of steam every once in a while.  To wallow in self-pity and be angry with the world.

But it hadn’t become once in a while.  It became always.  Yes, I had suffered a lot, I went through a lot, but I was hanging onto those memories for my dear life.  Those memories were producing fears in me, and every time I clutched one of them a little more, they fed that fear inside of me a bit more and it was starting to grow into an awful monster, starting to take over my life.

So that day when I was taken aside and “spoken to.” I was forced to hear things about myself that were very hard to hear.  This was one of those “life lessons” that we all have to learn every once in a while and I wasn’t ready to hear was being said and I definitely was not ready to learn this life lesson. I wanted to run the other way.  Fast and hard.  But that’s the funny thing about life. It sends to you people to teach you lessons during times when you’re not ready to learn them.

You see, I was thinking that my life was crummy, and I felt very much alone.  I felt as if my life sucked and that anything that could go possibly wrong would do so with me.  I was walking around with a black cloud over my head.  I couldn’t see the good in anything, and I was spiraling downward fast and hard.  As a result I became reclusive.  I wanted to feel loved, yet I was pushing everyone away from me – except for my daughter who I was clutching to for my dear life.  All this was not good.  To me, everything was doom and gloom.  And I wanted everyone to know about it.  I would complain to anyone who would just turn in my direction.  And someone listened.  That’s when I got the crap beaten out of me.

During the talk, the words which stung the most for me was to hear that I was being selfish and thought that everything was about me.  I felt my back go stiff and immediately thought “How dare you say that?!!  Look at what my life has been like and what I have gone through?!!”  How could someone say such things?  Sure, I do have to deal with this crap, and I have to look after myself and my daughter at the same time.  But, that isn’t what was meant by that comment, it was what I WANTED to hear.  I had to take a step and really pay attention to what I was being told.  And when I did, when I really listened, really let the words sink in, that’s when I knew that  wasn’t being attacked, but rather I was being loved.  Someone was looking out for me.  I was being pushed out of the dark cloud I was in, and onto solid ground.  However, I didn’t land on my feet. I landed flat on my face.

When I got up, I walked away from our talk with what I consider a great lesson learned.  Next time I feel like my world is turning dark and grey, I don’t have to worry about it being a permanent state.  What I am having is a bad time – whether it be a day, a month or even a year.  This will eventually pass, it’s not a feeling that I will feel forever.  And with any sadness, or sorrow, comes the opportunity to feel great joy.  There is always an opposite side to everything.  I was choosing to look at the negatives sides, the losses, the sadness, the things I’m lacking, the things missing.

For example, I was experiencing a huge heartache knowing that I had to go back to work, and not be able to build my business/career the way I had wanted to.  I was complaining that my daughter was going with her father that evening, that I wouldn’t get to see her until the next day after school. And that the tedious, expensive and stressful divorce I’m going through is killing me, and I just want to end the fighting, and get on with my life and how I’ve been feeling stressed because of the people on my back complaining about me. How could there possibly be a good side to this?  Well there is.  There are plenty of positives, and lessons.  Such as the gift of a new job to ease my financial worries, the gift of a loving daughter, and to know how much we care for each other, and the gift of patience and tolerance with the divorce, and all the people reaching out to me because they care.  Are these the only lessons to be learned?

Who knows?  I don’t, that’s for sure.  Maybe this is the way life, or God, or the Universe or whoever it is that’s sending this message, is telling me that something needs to change, that I need to change.  The bad things and situations won’t end, they’ll keep coming.  The only thing that can change is me, and I need to change the way I look at them.  There are the many thing to be grateful for me to be grateful for: the experience of living in this beautiful house, being able to spend two summers home with my daughter, meeting magnificent people, opportunities to grow and find myself.

I have found that there is always a point in life where you reach that there is no possible way to return to where you have come from.  But I have also learned that there is also point to where you reach where you can’t go any further based on the way you’ve been doing things either.  And I think that’s where I’m at.  I haven’t been grateful for many things lately, and the risk of continuing on this way is just too great for me.  The pain I have been feeling is normal.  Pain is part of being human, but it’s also a reminder that I’m alive and there is always good things to being alive, and for which I’m grateful for.

The Big Day

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Living

“It’s always been my feeling that God lends you your children until they’re about eighteen years old. If you haven’t made your points with them by then, it’s too late.” –Betty Ford

Tomorrow – Wednesday, September 12, 2012 is the big day.  My stomach is tingly, I’m excited and scared all at the same time. I guess this is how my daughter felt on her first day of school this year.

Tomorrow is my first day of work.  And I’m nervous.  I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this way.  It’s not like I’ve never started a new job before, I have but this time it’s different.  It probably is because I wasn’t expecting to find one so fast.  And also the disappointment that my plans of writing for a living had to take a spot on the back burner for a while and all the stuff that goes along with working from home, the flexibility to be there with my daughter.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to go back to work.  The company is great, and the staff are awesome.  I think I need a change of scenery, interact with people and a normal routine.  I think it would be good for me.  And not to mention the money will definitely help the financial situation I’m in because of this divorce.

But I’m also sad.  Going back to work also means that I won’t be able to bring my daughter to school in the mornings and sneak in a kiss before she joins her friends in the line up at the door.  No more seeing her peek through the door to see if I’m there to pick her up after school. She’s awesome and I just love being with her.  Growing up I always wanted to be home with my children – work from home, be there on the trips, the mornings, afterschool, bring them to activities.

I know it will get better with time.  I know that I’ll be fine.  It’s the same feeling in my stomach every new school year, but this time it’s me going out there into the big, humungous world this time.

So with that, tonight I got our lunch bags and water bottles ready on the countertop for tomorrow morning.

I have prepped my breakfast, lunch and smoothie as well.

The bags are by the door.

All that is left is our clothes for the morning, and planning dinner for tomorrow night!

We’ll be off to bed soon for an early start in the morning.  Wish me luck!

She Be Thinking….

by Manuela, posted in Being Present

“Poirot,” I said.  “I have been thinking.”

“An admirable exercise my friend.  Continue it.” – Agatha Christie, Peril at End House

I’ve been told that I think too much.  I’ve also been told that if I stop thinking so much, and all my problems would go away.

If it were only that easy!  As the saying goes – It’s easier said than done.  How the heck do you stop thinking? It’s easy to suggest to someone what they should do, especially if it’s for their own good, but without giving instructions, it’s pointless.  Seriously, what IS the point?

I really didn’t think I thought too much.  I thought everyone thought the way I did.  But then I was told “Smartie, you think too much.  Cut it out.”  I’ve heard this from many people.  I’ve also had people tell me that sometimes it can be hard being around me because of the way my brain processes things.  It’s not like I have a choice to not ‘think’ as much as I do. I was born this way.  To me, this is normal.

So what does it feel like to think a lot?  It’s exhausting at times.  I need regular ‘alone time’ moments to decompress and unwind.  Repetative actions also help slow down my mind.  I still think, but the speed at which the thoughts pass through this brain is reduced.  Yesterday I was working on my front lawn, trying to bring it back to life.  I mowed the lawn, laid down grass seed and spread soil overtop.  It took me about six hours and that helped.  It was very meditative.  I didn’t think much.

What makes it worse for me? Multi-tasking.  The weird thing is, I can be thinking of a million different things at one time.  Sometimes it stresses me out, but most times I’m ok with it. But the intresting thing is, I totally suck at physically multi-tasking.  I can’t do more than one physical task at a time, most times.  A former employer of mine, RL Solutions, sent my department on a time management course, and we were taught that multi-tasking makes you stupid.  This person actually suggests that you DO NOT multi-task.  Well thank goodness because if there are too many things which I’m trying to get done at the same time, this little brain of my will fizz out.  I would be trying to do two or three things at the same time, while thinking of five or six different things too.  What a sight that would be!

A while ago, someone said that they were amazed at how my brain works, and I was asked to draw a picture of how I perceive my brain thinks.  This is what it looks like to me, from the inside.  Interesting, isn’t it?  Or is it scary?

What do I think about?  Haha, I wish I could tell you.  I remember my ex always saying to me, what are you thinking?  I was shocked by this question because I wasn’t sure what to tell him.  Exactly what AM I thinking?  If people could hear my thoughts, I’m sure they would either be scared or extremely confused.  Some are common, but some are completely random.  I would love for a day to just be able to sit down and not think.  That’s not going to happen because first of all, I don’t even know what it means to just sit down and do nothing, and secondly, I don’t even know how to not think.  And if I’m exhausted or anxious, look out!! There is a steam roller incident looking to happen.

I mentioned that I was like this all the time.  I remember back in elementary school the teachers would complain and say that I “daydreamed” too much.  I guess that was the start of it.  I would “space out.”  Today it’s called “lost in thought.”  I have been asked  a couple of times by my therapist “where did you go just now?”  And of course, my answer would be “I was thinking.”

Lately the levels of stress have been a bit more than normal.  This, of course, causes me to think some more.  The other night my daughter had a bad dream and called out to me.  I went to her room to comfort her and when I returned back to bed, rather than sleeping, I remained awake for an hour thinking about about a number of different things: the best route to my new job which I start next week, what the time and price difference would be if I would take transit vs. driving, what is the best way to tackle the repairs to the front lawn – how much soil do I put down after sprinkling grass seed, and how much water, should I call my hairdresser for an appointment next week or the week after, are my roots that noticeable, what should I pack for snacks for my daughter’s lunch and on and on.

People, it was 4am and this was ridiculous!  I needed sleep!

Luckily I’m becoming more aware of my thought patterns.  This is the first step to finding ways to bring myself back to present, and deal with this issue.  I’m finding that writing helps because it makes me focus only on one thing at a time.  It’s impossible to write about two or three different topics at the same time.  Yes, I admit, I’ve tried.  It’s stressful.  And there is something so cool which is awesome and relaxing – when it works.  It’s called meditation.  Getting into the ‘zone’ is a struggle most days.  Those thoughts are zooming around in that head of mine like ping pong balls.  But it works.  I’m teaching my daughter how to meditate too.  That kid is following in my footsteps and it’s better to teach her how to calm her mind down now, rather than later.  Bed time has become somewhat of a disaster lately because she uses that time to think as well.  Last night in a span of five minutes she talked to me about school, dinner, Mexico and what the term “the proof is in the pudding” means.  Oh boy.

So there you go.  If you’re wondering about the randomness of my posts, now you know the reason to it.  It’s like fishing in my brain, and the catch of the day determines the topic you’ll be reading about.  And if this post doesn’t make any sense, I’m sorry.  I’ve tried my best to slow down these thoughts.

Not sure if you thought of this (I did), I used the word ‘think’ 23 times in the post, and the word ‘thought’ 11 times.  🙂

Sigh..It’s That Time…

by Manuela, posted in Food, Living

“[In school] children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”  – Margaret Mead

And I have been thinking so much that I think I’m going to pull my hair out.

Hehehe…did I scare you?

It’s that time of year again – school starts tomorrow and I have mixed feeling about it.  I’m excited because my little girl starts grade two, and I’m sad because my little girl starts grade two, and I’m frustrated because my little girl starts grade two.

With this new school year comes new experiences.  She’s becoming more independent, her character is shinning through more and she is a happy kid, skipping everywhere.  What a huge difference from this time last.

And with all of this, I can definitely say is that I am really struggling – with the school lunches.  What the heck to pack for her snacks in particular.  Most schools, including her own, have a nut free policy.  This significantly narrows down the choices of what to pack for her.   I can understand why it’s this way, and I don’t think it should be changed.  Also, her prognosis is good but we’re still not out of the woods yet.  So this means I have to be really careful with what she eats.

During the summer while being home with her it was easy to make sure she was getting her veggies and fruit and eating well.  Sure she had her treats but her diet was balanced, and the junk was a treat once in a while, not a daily staple in her diet.  I know it’s important with every kid to have a balanced diet, but even more so for her.  And her activity levels were up with swimming most days along with bike riding and just down right movement.  With the start of the school year, I am guaranteed that she will be sedentary at least eight hours a day, and therefore there is a stronger emphasis on her diet.

It’s unrealistic to think that she will have carrot sticks and apple slices for snacks at school every day.  If I packed that, then I would have a starving kid at the end of the school day, which is not a good thing.  And how could I expect her to have carrot sticks and apple slices every day when the other kids are having chips and other kinds of not so good food?  And what about the good ol’ protein to slow does the digestion rate?  What the heck do you pack if you can’t pack nuts?

So yesterday into the kitchen I went.

First I made a big pot of tomato sauce.  I cooked with it carrots, zucchini, peppers and a full can of kidney beans – yes, I said kidney beans.  When all the veggies were nice and soft I pureed them.  This is what the yummy sauce looked like.  (Today, my daughter is suffering the after effects of the sauce. pfffttt! hehehe).

Then I steamed squash and pureed it.  Now I can use it sneak into baking and meals and make them that much more healthy.

And then I did the same with cauliflower.

And once the sauce was ready, I made pizza sticks for her snacks.  Whole wheat dough, battered with rice bran, and topped with the healthy sauce and mozzarella cheese.

Then onto the cookies.  I let her taste the batter of these soft, chewy cookies and she couldn’t wait until they finished baking.  These chocolate cookies are made with dates, whole wheat flour, quinoa flour and chick pea flour.  Nice and healthy and with protein.  Well balanced.

At the end of the cook fest, this was the end result.  Now I have enough snacks for a month, ready-made sauce for a quick dinner, and easy access to purrees to give regular meals a nice healthy kick.

For someone who isn’t into cooking, I sure had fun yesterday.  I think I just may be getting the hang of it.  Move over Julia…hahaha, yeah right!