Crazy Scary

Today I found out that it’s ok to have an element of negativity in your life. To think negative thoughts is in fact very healthy for you. That people who experience some level of negativity actually have a one up on people who always have a positive outlook on life. I found this strange. Actually, it’s downright weird, to tell you the truth.

You see, I was told that people who tend to think negatively usually are prepared for the worst case scenario in everything. Because their outlook on life is grim, they tend to brace themselves against hardships – they come up with a plan B, C and sometimes D, E, and F!  As a result, when things do happen to fall through, it’s ok, because their plans take action. The sunny people, who always see the glass as half full have a lot of difficulty coping when bad things happen due to their bright disposition. Their fall is very steep, and when they do fall, it’s into sudden, severe depression because they don’t understand the events which took place, and don’t know how to come out of it.

To me, neither one is good actually. What is ideal is a balance between the two.  This was foreign to me until today, until I actually understood what this meant. You see, I’m finally happy. I am very happy. Friggin happy, actually. And I totally love feeling this way. But in the past, when I would feel this happiness, I believed that this couldn’t be true, that it was unsustainable. I would wait patiently for all pieces to fall. This feeling was crazy scary. How could things be so perfect? Not possible, I say. Something has gotta give. And then I would get this dreadful feeling in the middle of my chest, and a brick would be placed in the pit of my stomach.

I would go around and unconsciously try to sabotage my happiness. I didn’t deserve this! But what I didn’t know was that the icky feeling is actually another one of those dog-gone-it survival feelings. That self-preservation tools that our very intelligent life provides for us. That dreadful feeling I feel when things are going so right is what keeps us real, prevents us from getting lost in the moment. It keeps us grounded, our feet on the floor and our heads out of the clouds.

For example, have you ever been in love and adored the person so much that you feel you have to pinch yourself to see if this love is for real?  That you can’t believe that things are so perfect? And then you begin to panic, it’s too perfect, and so you wait for the bomb to drop. That bomb is what I’m talking about. That is your temperature gauge. It is telling you to keep an eye out for yourself.  Don’t get lost.  Be aware at all times.

The risk of not listening to those feelings is getting lost. You build your belief system about the other person to the point of perfection, to the point where you trust them more than you trust yourself. To yourself, you become unworthy, second best.  You don’t know that you’re doing so, but you do. I have been there, many times actually, and when that bubble your living in finally pops, and trust me it will, you will be left lying naked on the bathroom floor in a puddle of your own tears. Your entire life that you have lived to that point will then feel like a lie. You have trouble trusting, maybe not others, but definitely yourself.  And when you don’t have trust in yourself, life is very grim.

So with this new understanding I gained, came many, many questions. The big question was “how?” How do I implement this into my life?  I began by acknowledging these doubts, fears and anxieties. When they came to visit, I pulled out a chair for them, I welcomed them. And I sat with them. I really took a good look at what they were doing to me, and listened to what they were saying. And most of the time, it also hurt like hell. It’s not easy to do this, it’s downright cruel, but it’s also necessary. You need to examine the parts of yourself which, for some reason, you have been avoiding – perhaps a fear of leaving a relationship and being alone?  Or being vulnerable by loving someone?  Or maybe just standing up for you?  Whatever the reason, the process sucks. But it works. There were times while sitting with these feelings I felt as if someone had one hand around my neck squeezing, and the other in my stomach stabbing. I hated it. But I know now that it’s something which I needed to experience – in order to grow, to cope, to heal. It’s a way to stay alive and not get disillusioned, a way from getting lost.

Unchangeable

I’ve decided to do something a bit different today.  I’ve decided to share with you a poem which I wrote a while back.

Unchangeable

We are unchangeable. At birth, it has been decided for us who we will be for the rest of our lives. Our DNA is our instruction booklet, our family history, our road map.

As we grow older, we:

  • experience life
  • find love
  • develop habits
  • encounter loss
  • face fears
  • learn from our mistakes
  • change!

So this suggests that: Our life hasn’t been decided for us. Our DNA doesn’t account for ALL of who we are. We can find ways to become more than what we are today.

If need be, we can change to the point that we don’t recognize ourselves. We can take the road without a compass, without a map. Yes, finding our way back can be difficult. The risk? The journey will change us.

This means one thing: Nothing is set in stone. And if you find something you love so much, don’t let it go. Hold onto it, throw yourself deeper into it, and embrace it. Close your eyes, take a step into the warm sunlight, thank GodIsLove.

And whatever happens; happens.

Live YOUR life the way YOU want to.

Put On Your Big Girl Pants

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. – HARRIET LERNER, The Dance of Anger

I have a bone to pick.  A really big bone to pick.  And it’s with society as a whole.  You see, we’re brought up to believe that anger is a bad emotion to feel.  It’s taboo.  It’s not good.  If you’re angry, then most times there is something wrong with you, that you’re out of control, emotional and need to get a grip on things. Oh my goodness, it’s a sin!

What a load of crock.  I feel like telling all those people who have said this untruth to shove “it” up their “you know what.”  Anger is not bad.  It’s actually very good. It’s your body’s way of telling you that something isn’t good for you – That there is an injustice which took place.   And why do we suppress it?  I just don’t get it. I have done A LOT of suppressing in the past.  To the point that I just would not respond to anything which may have happened, and would think that as a result, I was a very stable person, and I was proud of it too.  Looking back, I was the complete opposite.  Suppressing anger is not being stable.  It’s being a friggin kook.  I’m angry about getting angry!!

While reading the book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner (by the way, I absolutely love her books) I learned a few things about anger.  Some of the most important things I learned are that anger is extremely important for two reasons:  Firstly, it’s a vehicle for change – both individually and socially.  It is the fuel which feeds the fires and efforts to change.  Secondly, anger helps us to define ourselves – who we are, what we believe in, what we stand for.  It helps identify our boundaries – how much we are willing to give and do, and especially what we find acceptable.  It particularly helps clarify who we are and separates that from what others expect from us.

I’m learning to do this.  The problem I found is that, as a woman (and I’m not being stereotypical, it’s a proven fact), I didn’t use my anger in this way.  I would give in to a lot of things that I didn’t agree with.  I would constantly compromise myself and beliefs, go along with others in order to avoid feeling angry and create conflicts at all costs.  I understand that all relationships require compromise and give and take, but the problem I see where I was concerned is that there was an imbalance.  I was the one that compromised too much of myself.  Most of my thoughts, beliefs, ambitions and wants became negotiable in these relationships, to the point of almost non-existence.  As a result, I questioned myself in everything I did. Then I came in the other extreme for a period of time, where I would be involved in an endless cycle of blaming and fighting, without any constructive solution.  I was constantly up against the world, alone.  I would fight and fight with the other person until I was blue in the face, only to give up in the end and compromise myself once again.

Although these appear to be two extremes, they are actually two sides to the same coin.  I felt helpless, powerless and really, like a loser.  I felt like a complainer, constantly venting my anger but in the meantime, I was protecting the other person.  Yep, that’s right.  I was protecting them because I wasn’t forcing change in the relationship by not changing myself.

You see, I was paralyzed by anger.  I wasn’t able to get anything done, make any changes and therefore the other person would continue on with their behaviour the same way.  For example, when I was working at the publishing company as a production and sales coordinator, my boss was horrendous and verbally abusive.  I was only able to work when he was in the office, which wasn’t much often.  Those days he wasn’t, I would find ways to keep busy.  When he was, he would walk by my desk and throw a paper at me and tell me to type it.  And type it I would.  I’d print the document off and hand it to him.  He would read it and criticize me because I didn’t edit it. Then when he would hand me another document to type and because of the previous criticism, I would edit it, and then he would yell at me in front of the entire floor of coworkers for making changes that he did not authorize.  I was in a no-win situation.  No matter what I did, I would be reprimanded.  I would get extremely angry at the injustice, but I wouldn’t do anything about it.  I did not confront him, did not demand not to be treated this way.  As a result, my confidence level deteriorated, my esteem was nonexistent and I was suffering from anxiety and depression. I felt like my power was gone and I had no control over anything.  It affected all areas of my life, and in the end, I silenced my anger.  I stopped receiving the signals of survival and self worth it used to send to me.  The saving grace, which forced me to take control of my situation, was when I went to see my family doctor because of heart palpitations, and he asked me to explain the state of my life to him.  He told me that I was in an abusive relationship, and I needed to make changes.  He gave me three options: Quit, medical leave, tranquilizers. I quit.

Quitting removed me from immediate danger, but it did not solve my problem.  While reflecting on my past, I found that what I tried to do when I was fighting, as well as when I wouldn’t, what I truly, deeply was hoping to do was to change the other person’s mind.  I wanted them to see things the way I wanted them to.  I also wanted them approve of what I desired, of what I felt was important to me.  This was a justification of what I wanted.  I needed for them to make the decisions for me, because, quite frankly, I believed that THEY knew what was best for me, and not me.  Then I would get angry when it didn’t happen that way.

After many, many years of life, I finally understood that it’s not possible to change another person who does not want to be changed.  You can’t change anyone.  You can only change yourself, and when you do, one of two things will happen. You will be met with resistance and be forced to try to change back to who you were, or the other person will change to compliment you – it’s their choice, not yours.

Many times, when I have become extremely angry, or others were angry with me, many hurtful things would be said.  Later, apologies would be exchanged, and all would be forgotten – until it would be used in a future argument.  But while contemplating, I noticed that there was a lot of truth behind these statements.  The statements were indicators of how we felt, whether we were saying “you don’t listen to me”, or “you treat me like garbage” etc.  Sure, the other person may not be guilty of such accusations, but the truth lies in how we feel, and hence the reasons why they were said in the first place.  And while silencing the anger, I was silencing my needs, and couldn’t hear how I was truly feeling.

I have learned to make promises to myself, and adhere to them too.  I speak up now about what is important to me.  I try not to strike while the iron is hot, because then I become lost in the argument and lose sight of what I stand for.  I need to clarify my position on things and communicate them.  I walk away when I believe it’s the best thing for me, and will not continue to engage in something that feels wrong for me.  Most of all, I need to keep understanding that I am only responsible for myself in the relationship.  Yes, caring for the other person is extremely important, but that isn’t the same as being responsible for the other person’s actions. As Harriet Lerner states:  Defining a self or becoming one’s own person is a task that one ultimately does alone. No one else can or will do it for you, although others may try and we may invite them to do so. In the end, I define what I think, feel and believe. We do not define what I think, feel and believe. Yet this lonely and challenging task cannot be accomplished in isolation. We can only accomplish it through our connectedness with others and the new learning about ourselves that our relationships provide.”

Ready, Willing and Able

I have a dear friend who has been down lately.  She has been really struggling emotionally and spiritually.  Her confidence, self-esteem and self-worth seem to be really affected and it has been really hard to watch her suffer in this way.  I remember when I first met her, and thinking “Wow, this woman has it all, I hope to be like her one day.”  I still see glimpses of that woman once in a while, but right now she is buried and needs to be dug out from that pile of crap covering her up.

I’m not sure what happened to make her feel this way.  We all have our stories, and I will share mine. I had extremely low self-esteem to the point that I didn’t think it could possibly get lower.  But I learned that, without your consent,  no one can make you feel inferior.  If you don’t buy into it, or refuse to being reduced to a level of an object, or comparison, you cannot possibly feel inferior.  Sure, you may know something to a lesser amount than someone else, or you may not be able to do something as well as another person, but every single one of us is unique.  I have my strengths and talents, and you have yours.  Where I excel you may not.  When I don’t do something too well, you may be outstanding at it.  That’s the greatest thing about this world, and what makes it go round.  But to learn to accept and live by that is hard work.

I find though, that being in a rut makes the world extremely difficult to bare at times.  Living in it becomes a lonely place.  But it doesn’t have to be that way, especially when we are feeling like this.  Shared sorrow is half the sorrow.  There is no reason to go about it alone.  There are many people around you who love you, and who are ready and waiting to provide you with the support that is so desperately needed.  Most of the time we are blinded by the darkness, and cannot see the little candle flickering in the corner, which is being held by the of people who love you.  There are so many people there, people who can love you if you give them a chance.  Just like shared sorrow is half the sorrow, shared joy is double the joy.

But nothing will happen if you aren’t ready to receive.  Being in such a place, one of self-unworthiness makes it difficult to receive because you believe that you shouldn’t have it.  But it’s ok to receive, it’s your birthright.  And most times, when you are like this, you give so much of yourself because you want the human connection, you want to feel wanted.  But that’s not how it works.  It can’t be one-sided, you have to receive as well.  You have to allow others to give some of the love that you so freely give.  There has to be a balance.  Just as the law of attractions states, we receive what we give, but how can this happen if you put up blockers to receiving?

My friend took a very big step to growing into herself.  She recognised that she has a second family around her who loves her.  This family isn’t made up of blood relatives, but comprised of relationships built on mutual love, trust, caring and forgiveness.  Whether she is on a very high high, or a very down low, we are there for her.  No matter what.

Reach For The Stars!

All men dream: but not equally.  Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.  T.E Lawrence

When I was younger, I had big dreams for myself.  I wanted to be in the symphony. In elementary school and high school, I made sure to take as many music classes as possible. I would have friends sign out their instruments for me, this way I could teach myself to play them at home.  I taught myself how to play the flute, piano, and clarinet.  I was going to travel the world, play in world-class cities, and stay at the finest hotels.

It never happened.

Some would argue that I didn’t have a drive to reach my goal.  Others would say that I lost sight.  I attribute my not reaching that goal to not having a plan.  How could it possibly materialize if I didn’t put in the effort of putting together a plan of what was needed achieve it?  I never took formal training besides band practice, I didn’t own any instruments, didn’t have anything. As a result, my dream just disappeared like that – poof.

Fast forward a few years.  I became better at planning. My new lifetime goal was to help people.  I had narrowed this down to people who required assistance becoming physically active but have special needs due to major surgeries or illnesses.  I took courses at a local college, attending night school for four years.  I haven’t finished yet, I only have placement left.  I will not say that I didn’t reach this goal, but rather that I had to place this one on hold due to certain circumstances.

I have a new goal as well, I want to publish my work, I want to give talks, I want to inspire people, help THEM achieve their goals.  I’m in the beginning stages, the pre-planning stages.  I’m trying to figure out how to do this, and then will put together my road map.  This one is tough, and will require a lot of work. But it will get done.  I have formed a support group to help.

I find that a big chunk of the process of achieving your goal is setting realistic ones.  It’s also the hardest part in achieving your goals because you don’t always know exactly where you’re going.  I think that this is also one of the most beautiful things about it too.  You shouldn’t know where you’re going.  The journey is in the discovery – the discovery of your path, your capabilities, yourself.  I’ve heard somewhere once that sometimes the road you travel on isn’t as important as the direction you are headed.  You know that you are capable of many things, and imagine the thrill of finding out what you are capable of and of how much.  Never stop trying to exceed your limits.

I have also observed that many bright, intelligent people have never been able to achieve any of the goals they have set out for themselves.  They just fizzle out.  Yet, the ‘underdogs’ the people who are deemed incapable have far exceeded anyone else.  Either they didn’t know of the limits which were placed on them, or they just harnessed everything they had, and focused on their target.  Either way, it shows that just anyone can achieve what they want as long as they are willing to put the effort into their plan.

Some might say that I have failed at my previous goals.  I had an interesting discussion with a friend today about goals and failures.  I believe that no one is a failure, as long as they are enjoying life.  I don’t believe in that negative self talk we speak to ourselves.  I don’t like the phrase ‘I failed’.  I think it should be rephrased to “I found what doesn’t work for me”.  It sends such a stronger message to our ego and subconscious saying I’m good, I’m smart, I’m capable.  It allows you to take charge and accountability for your own life and to set standards and boundaries.

Our goals will change with our life circumstances, so we have to flexible.  In a lifetime we will have a lifetime worth of goals set out for ourselves.  But only those who map out their future will achieve their dreams. “Map out your future, but do it in pencil.” – Jon Bon Jovi

Little Jewels

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. – Kahlil Gibran

When I was a teenager, I decided that I didn’t want any children.  Yep, that’s right, I didn’t want any.  When I was a little girl, I wanted a soccer team of kids, but when I became a teenager, I decided against it.  I didn’t relate to them, and certainly didn’t understand what the big fuss was.  When my friends would go on and on about how they couldn’t wait to have kids, I thought that their bodies were taken over by aliens or they were suffering from lack of oxygen to the brain.  Who wanted to willingly subject themselves to days on end of poop, vomit, sleepless nights, untidy houses, worry, screaming and yelling?

I wasn’t turned off per say by these little people.  I would hold a baby ( for five minutes and then give it to someone else),  I would babysit if asked to,  I’d play with them. They’re cute, and sometimes I thought kids were funny.  I just didn’t see myself as a mother, or caring for a little person.  Not me, I liked my life the way it was, and the childless freedom that came along with it.

Years later I noticed a woman walking along holding her little girl’s hand and it touched something in my heart.  Then I saw a pregnant woman rubbing her belly and wondered what that would feel like.  And then, a child’s laughter brought a smile to my face.  I couldn’t figure out what was happening?

A while after that I found myself standing in an uncomfortable room the middle of a  the night, in a hospital gown, staring at this beautiful, tiny little creature.  I was in complete awe, and at that moment, my life changed forever.  I didn’t know how my life existed without her, and I couldn’t understand what made me think I never wanted kids.

Now I have trouble understanding how people get annoyed with children, or don’t want to be around them.  I agree that at times they are a lot of work, you don’t get to do things on your own schedule and really, life would be a lot more simpler if you could do whatever you wanted, when you wanted to.  But with that you would be missing a lot of wonderful things, such as the look on a child’s face as they see something spectacular in the ordinary, such as a subway.  How they get excited when you tell them that they get to choose a toy ‘just because.’ And the melting in your heart that you feel when you know that someone trusts you blindly, and loves you unconditionally, knowing that you have faults and accepts you anyway.

I have learned that children don’t need a lot from you.  They need your presence more than anything, especially your presents.  Children are jewels which have been dropped from the sky, they are precious.  I find that the pressures of being a parent are equal to any other significant pressure you face.  Imagine being a conscious parent, really paying attention to the little person’s health – mentally, physically and emotionally.  That is a huge responsibility, and one that most would shy away from, because it IS so hard to accept.

And so I am currently feeling my heart tearing.  My little girl, amazing as she is, is experiencing a lot right now and I can see that she struggles at times.  I talk with her, try to comfort her, ease her worries. I want to take away her pains, help her believe in herself.  Kahlil Gibran says eloquently above, she is her own person, has her own thoughts and beliefs.  I can only do so much, which is so frustrating.  I want to do more!  What I can do is love her, hold her and keep telling and showing her that.   I can create a safe environment for her, this way she knows she has somewhere to go.  She is ultimately her own person, and I pray that she will never lose sight of how much I love her.  I am there for her always.