Month: December 2011

Here Comes The Sun

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Spirituality

“Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo) Here comes the sun, and I say It’s all right” ~ The Beatles

Have you ever lay out in the sun and stared up at the clouds and tried to figure out what that cloud reminded you of? I did, many, many times. It’s one way I love to relax and pass the time. Unfortunately, I don’t do it as much as I’d like to, but I have decided that I am making it one of my New Year’s Resolution to do so. Yep, that’s right, to admire the clouds more often.

You don’t actually have to lay down on the ground to do so. Sure, nothing beats being able to totally bum around and relax into the lawn chair and soaking it all in. Boy does that thought bring back a fond memory from a business trip I went on once. That day I had time to kill and I decided to go for a walk.  I ended up in a local children’s playground/park near the hotel. Kids were playing close by and I was sitting at a picnic table watching them. I looked up and noticed the gorgeous sky above me so I decided to admire the beautiful gift which was unfolding before my very eyes. My jacket quickly became my impromptu blanket and I lay down on top of it. The sun was beaming down it’s hot rays, the breeze was cool and nippy. I lifted my top just high enough to expose my belly button and feel the sun’s warmth on my skin. All the while I was admiring the dynamic painting being created in the sky. In the distance the children’s laughter echoed in my ears.  This was bliss, and this memory has been etched into my mind since.

Today on the way to work, I was able to witness another gorgeous scene. The sun was just rising behind a condo building up the road in front of me. I couldn’t actually see the sun, but it’s reflection was present on the clouds surrounding it. The parts closest to the sun were bright yellow and then they gradually changed to vibrant yellowish-orange, then to bright orange and onto a rosie-pink. Some clouds were plump like cotton balls and others smooth like water. The clouds were mesmerising. I so wanted to pull the car over to the side of the road and just sit there and take it all in. I must have had some strange exprssion on my face, or looked like a weirdo because I caught the woman in the next lane staring at me with a strange look on her face while we were stopped at the red light. Oh well…I probably won’t ever see her again anyway so who cares. Hahahaha.

You’re probably wondering what my point is. I do have one. Actually, it’s more of a request – of you.  Please just take 5 minutes out of the day to look around you, really look. You can find beauty anywhere – from the clouds, to the snow, to the brown dried up leaves. It’s all there. It always has been. And if you just concentrate on what’s in front of you, you may even feel the peace inside of you which this beauty’s intention is to bring to you. Be willing to see.

Here Comes The Sun

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Spirituality

“Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo) Here comes the sun, and I say It’s all right” ~ The Beatles

Have you ever lay out in the sun and stared up at the clouds and tried to figure out what that cloud reminded you of? I did, many, many times. It’s one way I love to relax and pass the time. Unfortunately, I don’t do it as much as I’d like to, but I have decided that I am making it one of my New Year’s Resolution to do so. Yep, that’s right, to admire the clouds more often.

You don’t actually have to lay down on the ground to do so. Sure, nothing beats being able to totally bum around and relax into the lawn chair and soaking it all in. Boy does that thought bring back a fond memory from a business trip I went on once. That day I had time to kill and I decided to go for a walk.  I ended up in a local children’s playground/park near the hotel. Kids were playing close by and I was sitting at a picnic table watching them. I looked up and noticed the gorgeous sky above me so I decided to admire the beautiful gift which was unfolding before my very eyes. My jacket quickly became my impromptu blanket and I lay down on top of it. The sun was beaming down it’s hot rays, the breeze was cool and nippy. I lifted my top just high enough to expose my belly button and feel the sun’s warmth on my skin. All the while I was admiring the dynamic painting being created in the sky. In the distance the children’s laughter echoed in my ears.  This was bliss, and this memory has been etched into my mind since.

Today on the way to work, I was able to witness another gorgeous scene. The sun was just rising behind a condo building up the road in front of me. I couldn’t actually see the sun, but it’s reflection was present on the clouds surrounding it. The parts closest to the sun were bright yellow and then they gradually changed to vibrant yellowish-orange, then to bright orange and onto a rosie-pink. Some clouds were plump like cotton balls and others smooth like water. The clouds were mesmerising. I so wanted to pull the car over to the side of the road and just sit there and take it all in. I must have had some strange exprssion on my face, or looked like a weirdo because I caught the woman in the next lane staring at me with a strange look on her face while we were stopped at the red light. Oh well…I probably won’t ever see her again anyway so who cares. Hahahaha.

You’re probably wondering what my point is. I do have one. Actually, it’s more of a request – of you.  Please just take 5 minutes out of the day to look around you, really look. You can find beauty anywhere – from the clouds, to the snow, to the brown dried up leaves. It’s all there. It always has been. And if you just concentrate on what’s in front of you, you may even feel the peace inside of you which this beauty’s intention is to bring to you. Be willing to see.

Hand It Over…Or Else…

by Manuela, posted in Emotions

“In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.” – Unknown

I don’t know who Unknown is but he sure knows his stuff.  Mmmm….chocolate.  It is so friggin yummy.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m a Grade AAA chocolate lover.  I mean, I’m totally infatuated with the stuff.  Thinking of it I go weak in the knees.  I guess you can say that chocolate is my first and only love.  It can never be replaced, ever.

You see, when you eat chocolate, it causes certain endocrine glands to secrete the ‘happy’ hormones that make you feel better.  One could say that it counteracts depression,  and reduces stress.  Since you experience less stress, or even have a stress-free life as a result, it helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically, mentally and emotionally.  Why wouldn’t anyone want all of this?  The solution is to eat more chocolate. I’m convinced of this.

And yes, I can justify eating chocolate at any time.  Just don’t try to take it away or come between me and chocolate because I get violent and will hurt you.  Consider yourself warned.

I am a self-diagnosed serious chocoholic.  I have gotten into physical fights over chocolate (ok, not real fights, but close enough) and at times have threatened to only do things asked of me, or sought justice by receiving payment only in the form of chocolate.  For example, my lawyer sent me an email, frightening the begegees out of me.  I immediately sent him a return email stating that his ‘joke’ was not appreciated and the only way I would forgive him was to receive chocolate.  One week later I walked into his office and sitting on his desk was a box of chocolate.  How sweet.  I just hope he didn’t expense the box against my account.

It’s funny that since receiving that box of chocolates, I received two since.  I’m not complaining, I’m absolutely rolling in delight – like a pig in mud! Shush up….I know what you’re thinking!  But now I’m in a predicament.  My daughter is following closely in my foot steps and she too is a hard core chocoholic and she found those very boxes which I hid away.  I need to find out the proper balance between love of daughter and love of chocolate.  Does a mother give her last piece of chocolate to her daughter?  Or pretend that it is long gone?  Does she fight over it with her daughter?  Or does she share?  What is the answer?  I guess the answer is to have enough chocolate in the house to fulfill the needs of us two monsters.  She will have to get her own stash, or maybe I’ll provide one for her so she can leave mine alone.  Yes, that’s what I will do.

But some people say that chocolate is better than sex.  I hold an opinion regarding that comment, of which I choose not share with you.  However, I must say that if you believe this comment to be true, then perhaps you need to meet that special someone who can knock your socks off, or change your mind.  However, if you have met that person, and still hold the opinion that chocolate is better than sex, then please share with me where you get your chocolate!

Judgement – It’s Nothing Personal

by Manuela, posted in Relationships

“Don’t take anything personally.  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” – Miguel Angel Ruiz

I have been struggling these last few days for many reasons.  Once again the tidal wave of change came crashing onto the shores of my life and I feel that I wasn’t very well prepared for this.  Of course, you can’t truly be prepared for what life throws your way, but you can make sure that you’re well suited and I wasn’t. I thought I was, but boy was I wrong.  I went from being the happiest I have ever been in my life, to wanting to be alone again, away from everyone and contemplating the life changing decisions I have made.

Earlier on in my life I had make choices where I thought I had none. I felt as if I had no choice but to feel inadequate, unintelligent and incapable of many things. I looked externally for validation and sources of happiness.  It really mattered to me that others liked me and thought well of me and therefore I went way above and beyond to please them, all the while compromising my own self-respect, self-needs and personal satisfaction.  My happiness came from others being happy, and I would sacrifice my life in return for their approval.  I chose not to live my life.

One thing that I noticed years later was that I was miserable – all the time, and that the people who I was trying to make happy, mainly close loved ones, were not happy at all.  Every time that I would try harder to please them, they would become even more displeased with me.  There hardly was ever any approval, contentment or even a good thing said about me. I could never live up to their expectation no matter what I did.

And with this came criticism – from them about me.  They would complain to others, and the most hurtful thing would happen.  I would share my feelings about what was being said, share with them how hurt I was about the judgments being made about me, the untruths being said, however no one would defend me.  Instead they chose not say a word, in effect, it was consentient by silence. And throughout this, I did not realize that I had become a servant to them, just as Lawana Blackwell stated when she said “Patterning your life around other’s opinions is nothing more than slavery.”  I would then try even harder to discount their opinions, be someone who I thought they would approve of, and I was losing myself.  I was slowly dying.

Many years later I managed to break free from the shackles which held me firmly in the slavery role.  I began to free myself from the belief that I needed validation from others to create my own happiness, and that I must conform their suggestions and opinions of how I should live my life.  I took the reins back.  I began to believe that I was ok with being who I am, and so I stopped seeking approval from them.  I took on the core value that “I am who I am, and if you don’t like what you see, move on.”  It has been working for me, and I have been able to be true to myself, but lately I have found that I tend to revert back to my old self.  The self that I am so desperately wanting to put to rest.  And I don’t like it.

Up until now I have been coping well with the stressful and difficult life I have been leading.  There have been many times where I have broken down, but when I have put myself back together, I have been able to create a better version of myself, a stronger and more loving version.  I have had intuitive insights of how things will be in the near future, the difficulties I will be facing and the crap I will be going through, and especially the grief I will be receiving from others.  I have had a small taste of it and it was awful.  I do not like what I see, as it involves people who are very close to me and criticism and judgment from those who I love.  This happened over Christmas time, by people who I don’t really spend time with.  I don’t think they will accept the person I am becoming, and essentially, I was contemplating changing who I am to meet their needs.  I was choosing to become a slave to their opinions; to not live my life.

I need to sit with this some more, as I do not like what I am seeing in myself.  I try to remind myself of what Bethania McKenstry once said “I’m not sure I want popular opinion on my side – I’ve noticed with the most opinions often have the fewest facts.” These people are in fact making decisions based on incomplete information, and therefore I should not take heed to what they have said, will say or act. Still I struggle with this, as they do not want to know more, and so how could things possibly change?  Maybe I should just accept that things won’t.  Yet I must remind myself that I, above everything and anyone else, must be true to MYSELF; that others will always have opinions about me, my situation, and my life.   Time will only tell if things will change, which I hope they do, and during that time I must decide whether or not I will put up with this, fight this or just walk away.

As Friedrich Schiller said “be noble minded! Our own heart, and not other men’s opinions of us, forms our true honor”.  I choose to honor myself.

Have a Merry LONELY Christmas!!!!

by Manuela, posted in Meaning, Relationships, Spirituality

“All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.” – Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me

Christmas is a time of reflection for me, where I think about the year which has passed, and think of the one to come.  Looking back on this year, it was a year filled with a lot of tension, turmoil, grief, loss, disappointment, anger and uncertainty. Tied with that, it was also a year filled of growth, love, togetherness, discovery and new beginnings.  This combination is enough to send anyone to the Looney Bin! And let me tell you, there were many times when I felt like I wanted to admit myself to one!

Christmas this year will be very different, spending some days with my daughter, and for the first time without the presence of my ex, and other days completely alone while she is with him.  I will be with extended family periodically throughout, and at work on some days, but the realities of the family I created with my ex no longer exists.

I was dreading this time of year, not knowing what to expect and definitely not wanting it to come, but I have come to accept the change.  I’ve surrendered to the discomfort to take place and have allowed myself to feel the different emotions which I will experience.  Not nice.

At Christmas, it’s easy get wrapped up in the commercialization of it all – buying presents, going to parties, decorating.  I don’t lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas, but I must admit that I buy into the commercialization as I love thinking about what to get people, I love decorating the house, sending cards, listening to Christmas carols, the baking and the intimate get-togethers.  This year my list for people to buy for is much smaller, I didn’t put up as many decorations (mainly because I hate taking them down, and that was something my ex always did), didn’t send any cards (only received 3!), I didn’t bake, haven’t really listened to carols until today and most get-togethers I attended on my own, without my daughter and ex.

I can finally appreciate how some people find Christmas the most depressing time of year.  I was getting sucked into that void and tried desperately to not get lost.  I’ve felt lonely many times since my separation, and for that matter, even prior.  I have spent many days in the presence of others and have felt so very much alone.  I guess Christmas just heightens this emotion for a lot of people, me included, because we’re expected to be happy, cheerful and enjoy the presence of others.  That just makes us feel even more alone.  At times I’ve felt as if a neon sign was placed over my head, blinking “LONER!” But how much is this happiness that people feel at Christmas fake, or really true? No one can really feel that happy all the time.  I’m sure that all of us have experienced this loneliness at some point.

So, I’ve sat in the big, fat, uncomfortable lonely pile.  What allowed me to give myself permission to feel this emotion was my recollection of what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat, Pray, Love: “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz.  Learn your way around loneliness.  Make a map of it.  Sit with it, for once in your life.  Welcome to the human experience.  But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

I had a conversation with my therapist about loneliness, it was quite profound.  One thing she said which stuck with me was that loneliness leads to nothing good, only detachment – especially when not faced head on.  Through loneliness, when we don’t skirt around it, try to avoid the pain in our chest and heart which it brings, and we really feel it, we start to open up, flower.  We become spiritual, the world becomes brighter, and we are then able to fully accept intimate relationships with others.

We aren’t alone with our loneliness.  Loneliness is a human condition.  We need to cultivate it.  It tunnels into us making room for our spirit to grow.  We’ll never NOT feel lonely, even when we find someone who we think completely understands us, loves us, and is our soul mate.  No one can fill that void.  The only way around it is to be yourself, accept yourself, love yourself, be comfortable with yourself.  This is where the spirituality comes into play.  Another verse from Eat, Pray, Love talks to this, when Liz was lying on the bathroom floor crying: “I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you.  There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love.  I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you.  I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

I am currently in a transition period in my life.  I have found that I’m closing the chapter to an old part of my life and opening a new one.  Both are happening at the same time.   It’s a scary yet exciting time.  With the closing of the old chapter, it means endings to a lot of things such as traditions and relationships, and with it comes a lot of anxiety.  I am happy to let go of the ones that have been life depleting, but there have also been many wonderful traditions, and friendships that I’m extremely saddened to see go.  But I guess this is a price which needs to be paid to grow into who I am meant to be, to materialize my dreams.

When I think back to the past Christmases I shared with my ex and my daughter I get sad and lonely because I don’t want to let go of those times as many were very happy.  And I shouldn’t have to let them go.  As Lois Lowry said in The Giver “The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain.  It’s the loneliness of it.  Memories need to be shared.”  I know that I’m not the only one to think of those times as I’m sure that my ex and my daughter do as well.  We can’t share them together physically, but perhaps we can share them with each other from within ourselves, from within our heart.  Why dwell on the fact that we can’t be together, when we should celebrate that we have the memories that we have, that we were able to experience those times together, and build new ones from them. We need to sit within ourselves and find out how we can make new ones.

While doing this I have found that inside myself there is something special.  There is a place where I live all alone, and no one can go to.  It is where I can renew my love and life from the springs that never dry up.  You have one too, and this lonely place, your loneliness isn’t a bad thing.  When you feel lonely, it’s a sign to look within yourself and find something to live for, so great, that you may just want to die for because sometimes feeling lonely, that’s exactly what you feel like doing.

My Christmas gift to you is yourself.

Merry Christmas!

 

Where’s The Hatchet?

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Love, Relationships

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

Exactly one week after my ex and I split, I was laid off work.  I was devastated, not because I was laid off, but because of the timing of it all.  That morning when I walked into the office, I knew something wasn’t right.  I felt it deep within my gut.  The tension in the office was thick, and I easily could have carved a design in it with a knife.  I also noticed that people couldn’t look at me in the eye. What was going on?

Then I was asked to come into the boardroom for a ‘talk.’  Oh boy, I knew what was coming and there was nothing that could be done about it, so I listened quietly and bawled my eyes out.  I was scared, I didn’t know how I would pay my bills, support my child etc.  I wasn’t angry, just scared.   I accepted everything with grace and decided to move on with my life.

I told a friend that I would be having lunch with my ex-bosses and I was asked why I would keep in touch with such people? She told me that I should be pissed with them, and felt the need to remind me that I had been laid off, as if it’s something that I could have forgotten.  But I hadn’t forgotten.  I understand that it was nothing personal, and that it was the cost of doing business.  I  forgave them, but not for their sake, but for my own.  As Lewis B. Smedes says “It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.”  I enjoyed my time there, met so many wonderful people, and formed great relationships which I will treasure. I was able to see past the act of being laid off, and remember all the good times, all the kindness and support which I received.  And I appreciate the difficultness of the decision which had to be made.  If I wasn’t able to forgive, then I would have missed out on the opportunity of having lunch with them, being in great company and all the other good things to come.

The same holds true for any situation where you have felt yourself hurt – being betrayed by a love one, being victim to injustice or abuse, being left out – the list is endless.  But forgiving doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened.  It’s about setting yourself free, not holding yourself prisoner.  Not forgiving is consuming, and very hard work, it’s draining, degrading and just downright nasty.  “Forgiveness is the economy of the heart…forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of the spirits.” – Hanna More.  Think back to the time when you severely felt hurt by someone.  I remember when I was, and I remember how I felt completed out of control, like I was a spin top heading towards the edge of the table.  I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and was not happy, no matter what I tried to do. My anger was eating me alive.  All my thoughts were dedicated to this person who I was desperately trying to free myself from – like a bad love song.

It just didn’t make sense to me.  I didn’t commit the ‘crime’ so to say, but I felt that I was the one that was suffering.  Why was I the one to do the time?  It felt as if the other person was in the wrong, but they were free to live their life.  They went along their merry way, and I was left behind holding the baggage – the anger, the resentment, the turmoil, the hatred.

As I began working on myself, rebuilding my life, I started to love again.  I learned that you cannot love without forgiveness. BUT you also cannot forgive without love.  It doesn’t mean that you have to love the person who hurt you.  It means that until you can love yourself, you cannot forgive.  I didn’t know how to forgive.  I didn’t want to erase the ‘crime’ which took place, that wouldn’t be right, but I did not want to continue to be victim to it either, and I sure wanted this person to pay for it.  It’s a lot of work learning to forgive.  And most times I feel as if I’m being a wimp, being taken advantage of, being a doormat.  I have to keep reminding myself that the forgiveness is about me, not the other person. I’m sure that half the time the other person won’t even care if they have been forgiven or not, or may not even know what they did to be forgiven for.  Lewis B. Smedes is sure smart, and knows a lot about forgiveness.  He says “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” I think I’ve reached that point.  It’s a weird place to be.  To wish the other person well, despite all that was done to you.  Wow. That’s deep.

One vital aspect to forgiveness is leaving the past in the past.  You cannot truly forgive, release yourself and the other person, move forward if you constantly refer back to it. Leave it there.  As Sydney Harris says “There’s no point in burying the hatchet if you’re going to put up a marker on the site.”  So true!

And another thing: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” hahaha. Oscar Wilde is awesome.

What Do You See?

by Manuela, posted in Love, Understanding

Take a look around, Tell me what you see. Is who you think you are, Who you wanna be?” – Everybody’s Broken – Bon Jovi

I listened to this song one day last week while at work and it stopped me in my tracks. I replayed it on my iPod over and over again. What an interesting question to ponder – and that I did – a lot (yes, I’m easily distracted.)  It took me 3 days to write this post as a result.

I’m looking around, what do I see? I see a world full of possibilities and opportunities. I see so many places to visit. I see beauty in all, even in the darkest of places. I see how the rain drops can be cleansing to the soul. I can see how a crumb on the living room floor means that someone’s hunger has been satisfied. I see that arguments with family, although frustrating at time, also means that there are people who care about you. I see kindness in all people, all walks of life, even those who are difficult to get along with. But most of all I see me – finally. Crazy, beautiful me.

Now for the next question “Is who you think you are, who you wanna be?”

If I was asked this question six months ago, maybe a year ago, or even five years ago, I probably would have said no, who I saw then, wasn’t who I wanted to be. I was trying to be what everybody else wanted me to be.  It was exhausting, frustrating, and depressing because I wasn’t satisfied with myself, and I every time I wasn’t able to live up to the expectations of others, I felt like a failure.  I couldn’t clearly define what I wanted in my life, as so I tried to live by other people’s rules and principles.

But today, I can proudly say yes. YES! Who I think I am IS who I wanna be. With all my vulnerabilities, insecurities, quirky ways, chaotic mind, odd sense of humour, desire for life – wouldn’t give up any of it. I would not change one single thing.

Why? It is because I have finally reached the point where I have discovered something – myself.  Me. I have also given myself permission to change to suit my needs. One day I may like something, and the next I may think otherwise, and it’s all ok. Looking back into my past, I have found that I needed to have my entire life planned out, and had to live my life accordingly, especially compromising myself, my beliefs and my needs to the opinions and judgements of others.  I was afraid to detour from this path for fear of being casted out, being alone.  As a result if something was thrown into my path, blocking it, I would try very hard to move it, albeit unsuccessfully most of the time.  Because this is what I thought was expected of me.  What I expected from myself.

But maybe the blockage was placed as a way to show me that I’m not supposed to go down that path, it wasn’t for me, that I should take an alternate route? I didn’t see that.  Of course I didn’t see that because I didn’t see me. I was lost in in the actions of trying to move it, which was my only goal. But now I understand that life will always be this way, there will always be things thrown onto my path and that adjustments will always have to be made. I see that when it happens, I will have to take a different route.

It’s hard to change your thought patterns, especially when you have been accustomed to a community or group mind way of thinking. There are many examples of this, and one is living with your significant other prior to getting married. In my culture, that is unheard of! How dare you live with someone prior to getting married? Another examples is learning about your spirituality and seeking answers from someone outside our religion is a big no-no, it’s viewed as turning your back on God, when in actual fact you’re wanting to know more.  Another is moving to a different city or country for work. My culture prides itself on togetherness.  You don’t leave your family, especially when someone gets married; they welcome the other person into the family – enlarging it. Other cultures see marriage as a growth and time for independence, as in launching the person into society. You don’t move far away as it’s seen as abandonment.  And to look outside the family for help – it doesn’t matter if it’s for financial, religious or any reason for that matter, it’s seen as betrayal. There isn’t much emphasis on self.

To move away from this way of thinking is extremely difficult, courageous and downright distressing and the risk of not doing so, is not living your life the way you want to, not being your true authentic self.  When someone chooses not to, it’s usually about not having the courage to take the steps to truly becoming the real you for fear of “rocking the boat” and being labelled as the black sheep, selfish, the screw up of the family or the problem child.  Yes, these WILL happen, you will be labelled as such, and anxiety in your relationships with these very people will increase to new heights.  But have a look at those relationships prior to your changing.  Wasn’t anxiety already there?

Present along with the anxiety is the other emotions of anger, disappointment and resentment too.  And the price of not moving to become your true self is eventually an increase in these emotions which will lead to a deterioration of the relationship, a bitter you with many illnesses and ailments and an unsatisfied, unfulfilled life with a lot of regrets.  It has been proven that people who are unsatisfied with their life will host a range of illnesses.  And with time, they become sicker and sicker because of not taking the steps to do something with their life as they look  or satisfaction.  Nobody can make you satisfied with your own life. This isn’t possible because we make our own happiness, by setting our own goals, choosing who we want to be with, defining how we live our own life.  I know that since taking the reins back to my life, I have suffered less physically and I feel a greater sense of wholeness.

The work you will need to put into taking the reins back to your life is significant, and it’s hard and uncomfortable work because with every new step you introduce into the dance of intimacy with others will create a ripple effect in your life and theirs. You’re ready for change, but they aren’t.  And as a result there will be resistance met.  It will be lucrative to move back to your old patters, but remember that the short term pains will be worth the lifetime of gains of living your life to meet the goals and achievements you have set out for YOURSELF based on your OWN needs and wants.  You cannot wait for them to be ready for change before you begin.  They may never be ready, which means you will never get to live your life.

So, as I said before, I give myself permission to change my mind about things.  So my answer to the question “Is who you think you are, Who you wanna be?” will still be a No.  It isn’t who I “think” I am, who I wanna be.  It’s who I AM, is who I wanna be!

I Gotta Go Julia, We Got Cows

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Meaning

That’s a line from the movie “Twister.”  I love that movie, and it is a great reminder of how erratic life can be.

How is it that your life could change forever with just a blink of an eye.  Everything that you ever knew, believed to be true, would no longer exist.  The fact that you thought your life was ok becomes an unliveable truth.  Even though you were unhappy, you accepted that life would be the way it was, and you became fine with it – complacent.  And then one day, you were shown something different, and you knew deep within your soul, that this new place is where you are meant to be.

Last summer I experienced this.  Looking back, I just now realise how difficult life was for me. I was out of control, living on 5 alarm high alert – constantly.  I thought I was happy, but deep down, somewhere in a dark chamber within my heart, I knew that I was only trying to fool myself. I was not happy, and others new it. I was a mess, a beautiful mess.

Since then, my life has not become any easier. If anything, it has become even more difficult, but the difference is, I’m not trying to swim madly against the current. Rather, I’ve decided to float with the current and enjoy the ride. Of course, sometimes the current is rough and I get knocked up against boulders, I get scratched from the debris at the side of the banks, but I found that if I let myself go just enough, the current guides me. In other words, I have turned myself over to God and have let life guide me.

This is scary. Not freakishly panicking  about the future is alien to me. I don’t mean that I don’t prepare for it, I still come up with plans b, c and d, I sure due, but I don’t let it consume me. Last summer I was not able to go through more than 5 minutes without stressing over my father’s health, my daughter’s well being, school, work, the newly built house, contractors, my failing marriage all at the same time. I felt that I needed to have full control over all of this. How is it even possible? How ridiculous.

So now, my marriage has failed – actually, my marriage has expired and I’ve renewed my passport to life. My father rests peacefully, and although I miss him dearly, I look to him for guidance in the signs I receive rather than dwelling on the fact that I can never have a human conversation with him anymore. My daughter is going through a phoenix process and has died a mini death, and is growing into a bright, beautiful little girl. So much has changed, so much more hardship, so much more BS, but I don’t feel like that spin top heading for the edge of the table. Rather, I feel like I am in the eye of the tornado. I’m standing still, in the calmness, and everything else is spinning around me. Once in a while, the tornado will loosen it’s grip on some of the debris and it will make it’s way to me and knock me over. This is ok because I expect this. I welcome it, and because of this, the impact isn’t so bad.  I’m not denying that it should ever happen, that’s not possible. I’m prepare. That’s key. I don’t worry about it, don’t focus on the bad, but enjoy the beauty of everything spinning.

After the storm, there is a mess left behind. What do you do with it? It’s my decision on how to view it. Is it destruction? Is it disbelief? Should I be angry? Should I feel victimized and cry “why me?”. Sure, of course I do that sometimes – usually when I’m tired and when I’m easily influenced by the opinions of others. But I’m putting in the hard work to rewire my neurons. It’s not destruction, no. It’s a chance to build the life I’ve always wanted. The storm makes way for new opportunities. Gifts you with a clean slate. It gives us another chance at life, all the while giving us strength to get up and built beautiful things with each time it knocks us down. What are you going to design?

 

Burn, Baby Burn!

by Manuela, posted in Love, Meaning, Spirituality

“The real  voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

In an earlier post, Ever Have One of Those Moments? , I spoke about light bulb moments, seeing things that have been there right in front of you for a very long time.  I didn’t get into much detail about it, but I think now it’s time that I did.

My wisdom-packed daughter said to me last night just as we finished reading a bedtime story:

 “Mommy, I wish I could remember what it was like to see the world for the first time, like when I was born.”

Wow, what a statement! We talked about this for a while.   I wanted to know exactly what she meant by this.  She went on to say that it must have been beautiful and scary to see the world for the first time when you’re born because all you could see before was the inside of your Mommy’s belly.  So, with this I knew that she was very aware of what she was saying, and contemplating.  I became even more honoured to have been chosen to be her Mom.

I lay awake in bed that night for a while, thinking about what my darling daughter said.  She is a very curious, and contemplative little girl, and has a deep desire to discover new things.  Such wonderful characteristics to have. And while thinking I realised just how many opportunities we are given to see things for the first time, just like when we are born.

I was reminded of a book I read by Elizabeth Lesser called Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow.  In her book, she talks about how you need to be broken open in order to make the changes to really live, to find the courage to choose life.  She describes what it takes to break open and what the result of it is. She explains that we go through many Phoenix Process’ in our lives to achieve this.  For those of you who don’t know the story of the mythological bird, the Phoenix bird realises that he has reached an impasse with his life.  He built a pyre and sat in the flames to burn to death.  Then he rose from the ashes as a new being, yet ever more himself – authentic, vibrant and especially at peace with himself and the world.

white wolf legacy

Theodore Roethke says “In a dark time the eye begins to see.”  What this means is, like the Phoenix bird, you can emerge from the fires of frustration, depression, false starts, disappointments and self-lies and become the real you, the person you are meant to be. You begin to realize that things do not need to be this way, and there is a possibility to change.

But to go through a Phoenix Process we must make the conscious choice to turn our misfortune into insight, instead of becoming bitter, reactive and cynical.  I have been broken open many times , and as a result have CHOSEN to go through many Phoenix Processes at once – my divorce, work,  living arrangements, raising a daughter as a single Mom and even contemplating the dynamics of relationships with other people. Not an easy feat, but I wouldn’t change this for the world.  I absolutely am beginning to adore the person I am becoming as I rise from my ashes.

Every single one of us is a Phoenix bird, and during our lifetime we will die and be reborn every single time we feel stuck or resist change, whether it is a life catastrophe such as a death or divorce, or while asking every day questions such as “Is ____ fulfilling my purpose in life?”  The reason why the Phoenix Process is difficult and painful is because our egos get in the way and try to prevent us from burning in the fire.  Our ego doesn’t like change or death, and it is a control freak.  However, deep down, on the spirit level, we know that with every ending, there is a brand new beginning.  We can make whatever we want with that new beginning.

We can see the world for the first time again, just like when we were born.

Kids, Christmas, Giving – Oh MY!

by Manuela, posted in Emotions, Love, Relationships

“You learn something every day if you pay attention.”  ~Ray LeBlond

visualphotos.com

Kids are awesome.  They’re SO friggin awesome.  I wish I could be a kid again.  And since I can’t, lately I have made sure to let the little girl in me play whenever the opportunity arises, especially when playing with my daughter.  We really let loose, and we become a silly pair.  It’s soooo much fun!

One night I was in the kitchen putting away the dishes when my daughter walked into the room and said that she wanted to hang out with me.  She climbed up onto the counter next to the radio and turned it on.  The station I normally listen to has changed its programming to Christmas Carols only (Oh no! I said the dreaded, un-politically correct word – Christmas!).  I was caught off guard because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to listen to them. With all that I have been going through – divorce, unstable employment, emotional episodes, stress (I’ll stop here, or else my post will become a list), I expected the songs to trigger a landslide of emotions for me.  I have been dreading the arrival of Christmas and have been prepared to take out my Grinch hat. For my daughter’s sake I pushed away that fear and decided to enjoy the moment and join in with her and sing “Jingle Bell Rock.”

I asked her what she was going to ask Santa to bring her this year. She sat there for a moment, thinking.  She responded with “Mommy, I really don’t want much this year.  I’m happy with whatever Santa wants to give me.”  I was astonished with her response, and sad at the same time.  My little girl of 6 years is growing up, and yet has learned a very valuable lesson at such a young age.  I hugged her and said “I’m sure Santa will get you some really nice things.”

We continued to sing Christmas Carols, danced a bit while cleaning up when she became really serious.  She stopped me and said “Mommy, I’m afraid that Santa gets left out.  He’s so nice by giving everyone presents, but I want him to feel special too.  Can we get him a hat just in case his gets ruined?” I said “Sure, Honey, that’s a fabulous idea!”  Her face lit up, and she became so excited.  She said “I’d like to leave it out with the milk and cookies for him, and the carrots for the reindeer.”  What she said really pulled on my heart strings.  Her question stopped me in my tracks. I was in awe of her, so much wisdom for such a small little girl.  And to think, if I had changed the radio station, this conversation would not have taken place.

I have noticed while playing with her is that when I let myself be open to receiving, she is actually a really great teacher.  I learn so much from her.  She is so in tuned with her surroundings and other people. It’s not only her, I think. I believe that it’s like this with all kids.

If only most of us adults would think this way.  Be pleased with what we have, be grateful for what we are given, and give to others because we want to, not because we have to.  And most of all, listen to kids, they can ground us and bring us back to ourselves and what really matters.

To my darling daughter, you have given me the best Christmas present ever.  I look forward to learning more from you. Love you lots.